We walked into Doxa Bible Church on Sunday morning and dropped the girls off at the children’s ministry. Our home life had been getting steadily rockier with disagreements, arguments, short fuses, harsh words, resentment, and unforgiveness. Things could be better, and I knew it. I knew what I wanted, and the desire was great to fix things and to repair our life with love, forgiveness, and mercy being critical elements of that repair plan. I knew most certainly that anything I did would have to have Jesus at the center of it all. No plan was going to succeed in repairing that which was broken unless it had Him as the focus of it all.

 We walked into the worship service, receiving the bulletin on the way in. I sat down next to my wife and prepared for worship, looking over the bulletin and the other small sheet of paper they handed to us as we came in for worship. On the little sheet of paper they handed out today was a coconut with a hole in it. “Interesting,” I thought, as I contemplated what this was all about.

 One of the elders was preaching today and I had enjoyed hearing pastor Todd preach a couple times prior. He was very matter of fact in His preaching of the Word which I enjoyed. As his message began and carried on, the theme of today became clear, “What is it that you need to let go of?” This was an extremely confrontational question to me this day for I knew of my sins that I needed to let go of. I knew what I was doing in my own disobedience but the idea of letting go of sin didn’t seem like enough for me. There was ultimately some other thing I was holding onto that was causing me to sin, it was that thing which scared me and as a result it was that very thing that I needed to let go of.

 I don’t recall much about pastor’s sermon that morning except for his ending. He directed the congregation’s attention to the small sheet of paper we were handed on our way into worship that morning and he proceeded to tell the story of how to trap a monkey. Apparently, a monkey trap is as simple as a hole in a coconut and in a very similar way as to how us humans operate, we are both often trapped by things that are actually no traps at all. In the end, in fact, it seems as though both us and the monkeys are easily trapped by our own desires, wills, and wants. This is what trapped me for years of my life.

 As the story goes, if you want to catch a monkey you first drill a hole in a coconut and place a nut inside the coconut hole that is almost the same size as the hole itself. When a curious and hungry monkey comes along and spots the nut inside the coconut hole, it will reach in and grab ahold of the nut and attempt to pull the nut out through the hole. However, with the nut safely in the monkey’s paw, the animal’s hand is now too big to get out of the hole that is in the coconut, effectively trapping the monkey’s hand inside the coconut. The amazing thing about this trap is the fact that the monkey is in no way trapped. It is free to go the second it wants but because of its great desire, the monkeys will refuse to let go of the nut that is inside the coconut. So long as the monkey refuses to let go of the nut it is trapped and it will be captured and sold/killed. However the instant the monkey lets go of the nut, the trap is no longer a threat, and the monkey can flee to safety. 

 The Holy Spirit spoke to my soul in the telling of this story. I was struck and convicted in a way that I knew this was for me this morning. I was trapped, and I knew it. No one else knew it but I knew it. I walked around almost my entire life hiding from everyone the fact that my hand was trapped inside a coconut because I was refusing to let go of the nut inside. I was destroying myself, my wife, my faith, my witness, my relationships, and my walk with my Lord and Savior because I was refusing to let go of the nut that trapped my hand inside the coconut. I had never realized before the possibility of letting go of the nut as every lie that Satan had ever told me was focused on the fact that the nut was itself a part of me, as opposed to something I was actively choosing to hold onto. It was the first time in my life that anything at all had broken through into the deepest secret that I had been holding onto for almost my whole life.

 I knew what was happening in my life that no one else was aware of. I was breaking down as a man and was on the verge of destroying myself. I was stuck in sin that I didn’t understand the root of. I was hiding immeasurable pain from family, friends, and the Church while having come to believe that Jesus wanted me to take my secret to the grave with me. I would be the “good soldier” and carry the heaviest of loads because I had come to believe that it was simply my punishment in life.

 I also knew what the Lord had done in my life that hardly anyone was aware of. I had my wife I could talk to about these things, but I was so fearful of others and who I was (especially in my brokenness) that I hoarded my testimony as my most precious of treasures. I would have rather given all my money away than give away my testimony, which was unfortunate for me and was arguably sinful in the way in which I was holding it back from others. The Lord had blessed me with amazing testimony again and again and all I had done was collect it all while sharing it in its entirety with only one person ever, Claire, my wife. 

 She knew all the good God had ever done in my life and she knew almost all the wickedness that I had ever done. She knew of God’s miracles in my life and she was living amongst the consequences of my sin. All of it became one giant secret that was pressing in on me with enough force to turn coal into a diamond. For all that I had shared with my wife she still lacked the one piece of information that would serve as the keystone of understanding for who I was and why I was struggling so mightily in life, despite God’s blessings and provision in my life. I was a monkey holding onto the most rotten and putrid of nuts inside the trap of lies that represented my coconut. I was being called to make a change but having tried to do this 100 times before on my own and failing, I knew I needed to depend on Him alone for success. 

 At the end of the sermon pastor Todd directed all of our attention to the picture of the coconut with a hole in it and he asked us all, “What is it that you need to let go of to escape the trap you find yourself in?” I knew instantly what it was I needed to let go of; I just didn’t think it could be done because Satan had told me for so long that the nut was mine to hold onto and mine to bear because if anyone ever found out what I was holding on to I would be finished. It was that thing that I was desiring to let go of but I needed Jesus’ help to release my grip on the nut that was destroying my life. 

 “Write on the back of the coconut what it is you need to let go of and then bring it up to the front and lay it on the stage,” pastor Todd continued. 

He told us all that concerted prayer would be had on account of these “nuts” that we all needed to let go of. In this moment I seized the opportunity that I had waited 34 years for. It was only the Holy Spirit that could have propelled me to act in this moment as my cowardice and fear were so large. I grabbed my pen and the coconut sheet and began writing exactly what it was I needed to let go of in my life. I carried the sheet to the front of the building and laid my “nut” that I was holding onto at the foot of the cross. I had taken the first step towards this process that I now am undertaking, I had admitted to Him what it was I desired Him to help me let go of. My sheet read simply: “Help me Lord to let go of hiding who I really am from everyone.”

 It was done. 

 The process had started. 

 I never would’ve guessed that it would lead where it did but I can’t fight the Lord. He was faithful and carried out His part in this. He unequivocally gave me the freedom finally to let go of the nut if I wanted to indeed let go of it. It was a struggle that ultimately culminated in the destruction of everything I cherished and loved. My life was destroyed, but when I looked down at my hand, for the first time in my life, there was no trap attached to it and I could see an empty palm. He had freed me from the trap that was holding me back. 

 The following stories and testimony represent my obedience to a call from the Lord to quit hiding who I really am from everyone. This is my life, these were my choices, this is who I was, and this is what happened. Where I go from here, I don’t know, but what I do know is that for the first time in my life I am truly and completely free to be who it is the Lord made me to be. 

This is how it begins. Where it ends is the LORD's to determine. This book is coming soon.