We walked into Doxa Bible Church on Sunday morning and dropped the girls off at the children’s ministry. Our home life had been getting steadily rockier with disagreements, arguments, short fuses, harsh words, resentment, and unforgiveness. Things could be better, and I knew it. I knew what I wanted, and the desire was great to fix things and to repair our life with love, forgiveness, and mercy being critical elements of that repair plan. I knew most certainly that anything I did would have to have Jesus at the center of it all. No plan was going to succeed in repairing that which was broken unless it had Him as the focus of it all.

 We walked into the worship service, receiving the bulletin on the way in. I sat down next to my wife and prepared for worship, looking over the bulletin and the other small sheet of paper they handed to us as we came in for worship. On the little sheet of paper they handed out today was a coconut with a hole in it. “Interesting,” I thought, as I contemplated what this was all about.

 One of the elders was preaching today and I had enjoyed hearing pastor Todd preach a couple times prior. He was very matter of fact in His preaching of the Word which I enjoyed. As his message began and carried on, the theme of today became clear, “What is it that you need to let go of?” This was an extremely confrontational question to me this day for I knew of my sins that I needed to let go of. I knew what I was doing in my own disobedience but the idea of letting go of sin didn’t seem like enough for me. There was ultimately some other thing I was holding onto that was causing me to sin, it was that thing which scared me and as a result it was that very thing that I needed to let go of.

 I don’t recall much about pastor’s sermon that morning except for his ending. He directed the congregation’s attention to the small sheet of paper we were handed on our way into worship that morning and he proceeded to tell the story of how to trap a monkey. Apparently, a monkey trap is as simple as a hole in a coconut and in a very similar way as to how us humans operate, we are both often trapped by things that are actually no traps at all. In the end, in fact, it seems as though both us and the monkeys are easily trapped by our own desires, wills, and wants. This is what trapped me for years of my life.

 As the story goes, if you want to catch a monkey you first drill a hole in a coconut and place a nut inside the coconut hole that is almost the same size as the hole itself. When a curious and hungry monkey comes along and spots the nut inside the coconut hole, it will reach in and grab ahold of the nut and attempt to pull the nut out through the hole. However, with the nut safely in the monkey’s paw, the animal’s hand is now too big to get out of the hole that is in the coconut, effectively trapping the monkey’s hand inside the coconut. The amazing thing about this trap is the fact that the monkey is in no way trapped. It is free to go the second it wants but because of its great desire, the monkeys will refuse to let go of the nut that is inside the coconut. So long as the monkey refuses to let go of the nut it is trapped and it will be captured and sold/killed. However the instant the monkey lets go of the nut, the trap is no longer a threat, and the monkey can flee to safety. 

 The Holy Spirit spoke to my soul in the telling of this story. I was struck and convicted in a way that I knew this was for me this morning. I was trapped, and I knew it. No one else knew it but I knew it. I walked around almost my entire life hiding from everyone the fact that my hand was trapped inside a coconut because I was refusing to let go of the nut inside. I was destroying myself, my wife, my faith, my witness, my relationships, and my walk with my Lord and Savior because I was refusing to let go of the nut that trapped my hand inside the coconut. I had never realized before the possibility of letting go of the nut as every lie that Satan had ever told me was focused on the fact that the nut was itself a part of me, as opposed to something I was actively choosing to hold onto. It was the first time in my life that anything at all had broken through into the deepest secret that I had been holding onto for almost my whole life.

 I knew what was happening in my life that no one else was aware of. I was breaking down as a man and was on the verge of destroying myself. I was stuck in sin that I didn’t understand the root of. I was hiding immeasurable pain from family, friends, and the Church while having come to believe that Jesus wanted me to take my secret to the grave with me. I would be the “good soldier” and carry the heaviest of loads because I had come to believe that it was simply my punishment in life.

 I also knew what the Lord had done in my life that hardly anyone was aware of. I had my wife I could talk to about these things, but I was so fearful of others and who I was (especially in my brokenness) that I hoarded my testimony as my most precious of treasures. I would have rather given all my money away than give away my testimony, which was unfortunate for me and was arguably sinful in the way in which I was holding it back from others. The Lord had blessed me with amazing testimony again and again and all I had done was collect it all while sharing it in its entirety with only one person ever, Claire, my wife. 

 She knew all the good God had ever done in my life and she knew almost all the wickedness that I had ever done. She knew of God’s miracles in my life and she was living amongst the consequences of my sin. All of it became one giant secret that was pressing in on me with enough force to turn coal into a diamond. For all that I had shared with my wife she still lacked the one piece of information that would serve as the keystone of understanding for who I was and why I was struggling so mightily in life, despite God’s blessings and provision in my life. I was a monkey holding onto the most rotten and putrid of nuts inside the trap of lies that represented my coconut. I was being called to make a change but having tried to do this 100 times before on my own and failing, I knew I needed to depend on Him alone for success. 

 At the end of the sermon pastor Todd directed all of our attention to the picture of the coconut with a hole in it and he asked us all, “What is it that you need to let go of to escape the trap you find yourself in?” I knew instantly what it was I needed to let go of; I just didn’t think it could be done because Satan had told me for so long that the nut was mine to hold onto and mine to bear because if anyone ever found out what I was holding on to I would be finished. It was that thing that I was desiring to let go of but I needed Jesus’ help to release my grip on the nut that was destroying my life. 

 “Write on the back of the coconut what it is you need to let go of and then bring it up to the front and lay it on the stage,” pastor Todd continued. 

He told us all that concerted prayer would be had on account of these “nuts” that we all needed to let go of. In this moment I seized the opportunity that I had waited 34 years for. It was only the Holy Spirit that could have propelled me to act in this moment as my cowardice and fear were so large. I grabbed my pen and the coconut sheet and began writing exactly what it was I needed to let go of in my life. I carried the sheet to the front of the building and laid my “nut” that I was holding onto at the foot of the cross. I had taken the first step towards this process that I now am undertaking, I had admitted to Him what it was I desired Him to help me let go of. My sheet read simply: “Help me Lord to let go of hiding who I really am from everyone.”

 It was done. 

 The process had started. 

 I never would’ve guessed that it would lead where it did but I can’t fight the Lord. He was faithful and carried out His part in this. He unequivocally gave me the freedom finally to let go of the nut if I wanted to indeed let go of it. It was a struggle that ultimately culminated in the destruction of everything I cherished and loved. My life was destroyed, but when I looked down at my hand, for the first time in my life, there was no trap attached to it and I could see an empty palm. He had freed me from the trap that was holding me back. 

 The following stories and testimony represent my obedience to a call from the Lord to quit hiding who I really am from everyone. This is my life, these were my choices, this is who I was, and this is what happened. Where I go from here, I don’t know, but what I do know is that for the first time in my life I am truly and completely free to be who it is the Lord made me to be. 

This is how it begins. Where it ends is the LORD's to determine. This book is coming soon.

I am seeing an influx of anecdotal accounts of peoples sunflowers 🌻 all facing south or south east. It seems people are reporting this all over the country. I dont have anyone close to me speaking to this. Any truth to it?

About a year ago the Lord finally broke me down to the point that I surrendered my childhood rape to Him. I was 6 years-old at the time my friends' dad raped all three of us. Due to some unfortunate circumstances I was then blackmailed for 4 years by my older brother. He threatened to tell our parents I was "gay" if I didn't do what he asked. I was raped at 6 and silenced, became a Believer at 7, and was then blackmailed with fear into silence again until I was 11 years old.

I was free of the blackmail at 11 but significant damage had been done. My was traumatized and fearful of intimacy and relationships yet I desperately desired someone to love me and tell me everything was alright.

6 years later I fell ill. Again my body was not my own as I was hospitalized, poked, prodded, and otherwise humiliated by the medical establishment. I had the worst of the worst of the disease I have. Finally learned it's name after the group who writes the textbook on it diagnosed me, Crohn's disease.

The disease ravaged my life and could not be stopped. The disease sought to isolate me and create a hopelessness that would consume me. I continued to choose Jesus instead.

I was in the process of becoming a clinical psychologist when my fiance cheated on me and left me, moving out without ever saying a word to me until a year later when she admitted to cheating.

I met my second fiance after my masters program. Moved to Chicago to finish my doctorate and she eventually came too. The Crohn's only got worse.

I had to pause my education again because I was dying from the disease and its treatment. Surgery eventually came and I only got worse. We were riding the elevator up to our apartment one evening after I had gotten out of the hospital when she said to me, "I never signed up for this."

Neither did I.

Life collapses again around me as another woman who said she wanted to spend her life with me left.

2012 and I was still in Chicago finishing up my education when God woke me up that February. The Holy Spirit grabbed me for 3 days straight and taught me so much.

What God did after this awakening is miraculous. Literal miracles again and again. Angles, demons, spiritual warfare. Souls being saved. Lives being transformed. Experiences with the LORD that surpass all understanding.

In 2014 a 7 year old prayer was answered and I met Claire, my wife.

When I was attacked, tortured, and kicked out of a 17ft. high window head first for the Gospel, a crack formed. Claire sent me away to heal and I saw something that a prior person had already done to me. I was scared....and Satan began bearing down on me about the childhood rape.

I had intended to die without ever admitting the rape to even myself. I thought I could be the man God wanted me to be without dealing with the rape and I was wrong.

Satan told me I was unlovable, gross, disgusting, trash, filth, a sinner, that everyone would abandon me if i was ever to tell. He told me I would lose everything if i ever told anyone I was raped. I believed him for 34 years and during the last few years I struggled to be the man God wanted me to be, the husband and father He wanted me to be. I wanted certain sins gone from my life and the LORD kept reminding me of the rape. I kept that at arms length and told God i would deal with the rape if He would deal with the sexual brokenness and pain and negative coping I was a slave to.

I finally was broke down enough to admit the rape at the foot of the cross. Jesus then had me tell a friend and then my wife and house church leaders.

I came home from breakfast 2 weeks later and my wife and children were gone. I was served with an order of protection while I was at Men's Bible study 4 days later. My wife has never spoken to me. I lost access to my children, my home, vehicles, all my possessions, my land, etc. Obviously she is divorcing me.

BUT......let me tell you how GOOD God is. Let me tell you who God is, what He has done for me and how much He loves all of us.

This is His story......

When I got laid off this past January God went in for the kill. There it was, inside of me for quite a while, and He wanted it back. My most treasured possession, my testimony. What He has done in my life, our lives, and what He is doing today. He wanted the stories back and I was obedient (even though I was hesitant). Over the course of January and a few days in February the Holy Spirit produced over 220 pages of a book.

He wanted me to share my testimony, my most treasured possession, and I was unwilling. I desired His will but what He was asking me to do seemed too much, TOO big. Since the book's creation until this week the Holy Spirit has been working on me to transform me into the image of the Son. He has been shaping my will to be more in line with His will. He has been shaping the way I see myself to be more in line with how He sees me. He has been dealing with me.

On Tuesday morning this week as I drove to work the Holy Spirit asked me, "Ready to start?"

I said "Yes."

8 hours later I received a call from a customer asking me to come "preach" at their church this Sunday. I will not "preach" per se, but I will carry what it is the LORD has asked me to carry, which is the story of my testimony. He wants me to quit hiding and He wants people to know what He has done in my life. He wants people to know it's OK, that He has this all and that He loves us all more than we could ever know.

It's starting.

In regards to the book He has told me, "the book you write is stranger than fiction."

He said recently, "Lets tell the world all that we have done."

I am ready. I want and desire whatever it is He wants and desires for me.

I am asking for prayers today brothers and sisters. God is doing this and while I was willing to go to my grave with my testimony as well, He desires something different.

I KNOW the freedom that has come from giving Him control of the other thing I was willing to go to the grave with, my rape. I can only IMAGINE the level of change that will come by giving Him control of this book and testimony.....control of my life completely.

I am traveling a short distance tomorrow to go before a local body of Believers that have desired to hear something they know not what it is. They are going to be the first group of people to be blessed by the Lord as it pertains to this all. The first of many I imagine. Pray that God keeps me close to Him and that I will surrender my life to Him. I seek obedience to the Lord's will and that I might trust Him with everything in my life. My wife, children, future, ministry, family, friends, job, etc. I want Him to have ownership over it all. I am only here at this point because of the prayer of so many people......I pray that you all can help sustain me with continued prayer.

I was in Cincinnati for work back on March 6th shopping for my little girl's birthday present at this educational toy store. In the weeks and months prior I had already had the Holy Spirit move me towards disinterest and resolve that I was just going to attend to April 8th as any normal day. I was going to go to work and do what I would normally do. If I was outside when it happened, so be it. If i was in my office, so be it.

As I live on the path of totality this eclipse has been in the news for me for a while and every time it would pop its head up leading up to this day I was just continually underwhelmed in the Spirit about it all. I lived In Chicago during the last eclipse a few years back and I felt the same about the last one, however last time, I was not "prepared" in the Spirit to be "ho hum" about the experience. Last time I just happened to be working outside when it happened and I continued to simply work. The experience was nothing special other than how "unspecial" the whole thing was.

Leading up to this eclipse I have been routinely led to a "why?" or "so?" sort of sense about it in the Spirit. As it grew nearer it became clearer that some people really cared about this whole thing. I took notice of people s concern for this growing as it drew nearer.

When I arrived to that toy store to buy gifts I was already resolved that I would just go about my life on that day doing what I do. As I was checking out, there on the counter was a display stand for "eclipse glasses" and I thought to myself, "I should get the girls a pair. It is an astronomical event after all."

As soon as that thought crossed my mind I was struck in the Spirit. He spoke to me and told me to have absolutely nothing to do with the eclipse. In a VERY SERIOUS tone to it all. In a, "You will have NOTHING to do with it," command tone to it. Ok, I hear you loud and clear Lord. No glasses bought for the girls.

Days later I had a friend/brother call me and, from a man who doesn't regularly ask me questions in such an upfront manner, asked me, "What do you believe about this eclipse?" To which I proceeded to speak.

He then told me his testimony who spoke to the same thing.

Had a sister in Christ, completely unprovoked, speak the same thing.

Had the Lord then confirm it all through a dearly loved woman who is yet still learning to understand the love of the Holy Spirit.

This isnt the internet spreading this. This is the Holy Spirit. The Lord is active on this topic.

I am very curious, what are other Believers hearing about this from Him?

Beyond that, all this easter bunny stuff is exactly what thw White House is endorsing. Secular everything, ALL the time. Even on the day of celebrating Jesus' victory.

I wouldnt be caught dead throwing my hat in with anything that regime endorses. They claim evil as good and good as evil. Doing what they do in secular living is not a wise decision.

I am seeing normies jump on the "Kates dead" conspiracy like flys on stink. It is an adventure to them it seems. They are entranced at going down the rabbit hole on this obvious op. White hats in control dismantling the royals while showing normies how to wake up.

Maybe not, but this seems huge to them while its like a basic math test to a calculus professor for anons.

Endless spraying of chemtrails apparently.

This is the second day in a row i have seen this so i thought id comment on it. Was driving in southern IN, northern KY, and near Cincinnati yesterday and immediately after the storms broke, I looked skyward and saw more chemtrails already in the air.

Today in indianapolis it was the same. Overcast all day here and when i finally caught a glimpse of blue sky peeking out from all the cloud cover i could see a 3 chemtrails had been laid down.

Does this garbage never end?

About 14 days ago, after 34 years of keeping the secret, I finally opened up and told a brother in Christ i had been raped as a little boy. Against my wishes, the Holy Spirit willed that my wife and others hear the truth as well.

Married 9 years almost and she knew nothing of this though she invariably experienced the self loathing, humiliation, guilt, shame, anger, and hatred that i allowed sanctuary in my heart.

I was 6 years old. I was a little boy and all the things little boys should have were robbed from me. I have struggled mightily the past 6 years with this burden. My marriage bears numerous scars from the sin i committed as a result of the "secret."

About 30 days ago God made it clear He was going after this in me. About 14 days ago I laid this at the foot of the cross. My life is in disary presently but the Spirit is moving.

These people that rape little kids, and do worse, are on a level of evil that is astounding. I have caused so much hurt, chaos, and sin as a result of my sin of keeping the secret; of not giving this hurt over to Jesus.

It is no more. Satan's major vector for attacking me has been extinguished by the Lords doing. I will have to repair the damage i caused, but these people who do this to little ones need a millstone desperately. The way the pain they cause reverberates throughout the victims life is atrocious.

Jesus will repair my brokenness and the brokeness i created as a result, but God, i pray, give justice to the victims and vengenance to the abusers. Heal our nation Jesus of the scourge that is pedophilia. Heal and bless all those who struggle Lord by what was done to us and help us to find healing in you alone Jesus.

Title.

Did i hear right when i heard that Chicago's new mayor is 100% defund the police? If so, that mixed with the Kim 'Soros' Fox as the DA is going to destroy that city. We just escaped there with our lives after 12 years....i know firsthand what the streets of Chicago are like.

It's infuriating what has been allowed to happen to the people of that city. The utter control the mechanism has over people's lives is unbelievable. I pray for revival in that city. I pray that Jesus does amazing thibgs with the people who live there.