I don’t ask as a way for anyone to ‘one-up’ anyone else. Your toughest red pill may be very different from mine. Everyone is different. I’m genuinely curious for a couple of reasons:

1. Face and Overcome my Shadow: I listen to Jordan Peterson and he draws heavily from Nietzsche, Jung and Solzhenitsyn. I truly believe it’s important to face, understand and conquer your shadow/inner demons/fears. “Ordinary Men” also gets at this point - almost any human is capable of horrendous atrocities given the right circumstances. The sooner we figure that out, and then face and master our shadow, the better. Those who think, “Oh I‘m not a monster” are some of the most dangerous kinds of people.

• When I stare into the abyss - it definitely shakes and terrifies me - but I also get to glimpse at the worst possible part of humanity. And when I stared I saw what I could be if I really wanted it, and I learned my own reaction: when my minds eye witnessed such terrible suffering, I determined only one thing - that I wanted to be AS FAR AS POSSIBLE from whatever that was (yes, not receiving the suffering but just as importantly - not dishing it out, none of it). And for me, the answer was Christ. To walk AS CLOSE TO HIM as possible. It’s a weird thing, I know. I hate suffering, and I hate hearing about it. But it strengthens my resolve to be MORE LIKE CHRIST and to do more good (I just have to moderate the doses and come up for air sometimes, otherwise it’s overwhelming). That leads to reason #2.

2. Build Resilience: I don’t pretend to have reached the end of the rabbit holes. I’m sure they go much deeper, and get much worse. When all dark comes to light I’d like to be one of the ‘conspiracy fags’ that is, for the most part, not caught off guard by anything. “If you can keep your head when all about are losing theirs and blaming it on you,” - I want to be that guy. So, this is also a way for me to continue learning and - hopefully in moderated doses - build my resilience (and keep my shadow on a tight leash).

• If you can only handle so much I think that means you’re a ‘normal’ empathetic human being (non-psychopath). Remember take time to balance with the GOOD. There are SO MANY wonderful things all around us - we just have to look for them.

We don’t need or want graphic details - just a brief description with keywords or names. If this post is a problem I will gladly delete, or be happy to have a mod discard it (I’m going to bed so may not see initial responses).