When I look around me NPCs are doing better than me. Even though I believe I was never fully NPC in the past.

You would think being aware about what’s going on in the world, you would have a sense of freedom.

I also got hit really hard by the covid fiasco mentally. Just by seeing all those NPC around me championing all the restrictions, made me feel very lonely for a while. Because my mind was and is not the same as theirs. If I would speak out what’s in my mind I probably wouldn’t have any friends surrounding me anymore.

I’m not being myself, I’m being fake, so that the NPCs would accept me. The fake me is the person that they like about me and want hang around with.

I totally lost all joy in life, my addictions became heavier over the last two years, the last months I’m doing better to quit them.

But being sober all the time brings back all those bad feelings. I’m not even able to focus on loving someone. My friends think I’m low energy. But the addictions kept me that way.

And the question “What am I even doing here on this planet” start roaming in my head again.

When I have good times, I get upset that some others don’t. Do I even have the right to pray to God for more and more, while others are begging for food and are sleeping on the streets.

Does God even care about me? If he does, than does he cares about the others as well?

Life just seems not fair for the majority people on earth.

Those feelings hold me back to advance my own life. While dreaming about all those cool stuff you can do on this earth.

Just being aware of so many things made me very destructive towards myself.

Is there someone who can relate? Were you able to get your lust for life back?