Today, two of us went out to walk by the beach in Massachusetts State Park. (Google Maps Satellite) The river (actually a giant lake) is ~750 ft wide and very deep. There's a Boat Club with several ramps. It is a beautiful serene place.
We noticed we were the only two people in the park. As we approached the beach, we nearly collided with a man (Hispanic / Middle-Eastern, 20-30 years old) swiftly walking behind us. It appeared that he was late for a meeting. The man was wearing a thick black winter coat (backwards), big boots and heavy backpack.
The man ran onto a narrow boat ramp. I thought: "What is he doing? Waiting for a boat?" The man was ~140ft away from us. He was pacing back and forth on the ramp. Suddenly, he stopped, turned and fell backwards into the river. He wailed one last time. Then his head submerged into the deep water below.
Guy from the Boat Club ran onto the ramp. He looked down into the river and yelled: "Motherf--ker!" He quickly ran back into the Club shouting to his fellow employee: "Call 911!"
Within ~10 minutes, an armada of police and EMT arrived on the scene. We counted 50+ officers and emergency personnel, two divers, three ambulances and two fire trucks. It took them almost an hour to locate the guy's lifeless body in the deep waters and bring it onshore.
I felt completely numb. I have watched many gruesome videos on LiveLeak (people getting electrocuted, shot, fall from roof, run over by cars, airplanes crashing and burning, etc). In those instances, innocent people died by accident.
But I hate people who kill themselves. This guy was in his prime. Yet he was a coward. He could not deal with his problems, so he decided to "unplug" himself. Now his parents, siblings, girlfriend will be suffering. What a waste.
Let me remind you: You are not alone. Everyone has dark thoughts. This is Satan whispering into your ear. Pray to God. Don't give up. Never give up. If you have bad feelings, reach out and let someone help you. Don't be a coward. Do not commit suicide. May God bless you.
I have been there, the darkness and the pain. Obviously I wasn't successful. If it taught me anything, it showed me that there are forces beyond one's control [or at least we think there are] that dictate the grand scheme of things. The only reasonable conclusion I can draw is that there was a reason I wasn't successful. Perhaps one day I will figure it out.
I too tried to kill myself and was unsuccessful and like you it was weird how it went. Maybe this maybe tmi but I was hanging myself in my bathroom with the shower head hose. I, well too me at least, was going unconscious, it felt like I slept. I suddenly snap awake in a panic attack and then cried right after. It still boggles my mind how my body instinctively jolted me awake so I wouldn't die and like you maybe there was a reason but I humble myself because I'm not special. I don't know, it just seemed very weird.
On a side note. I really bugs me that some people still have this notion that depression is just about being sad but its way more that that. I wouldn't even call it sadness, more like the joy of living is just sucked out of you and everything just seems bland, your motivation gets thrown out the window, your socializing also gets thrown out the window. Your hobbies and likes for some reason just aren't fun anymore. You are wondering how is everyone so happy yet for some reason your brain doesn't want to compute it. Like I should be happy right now but I can't. Don't get me wrong we do experience happiness time to time, but most of the time we can't. And when we do feel happy, we sometimes get sad because you remember you don't always feel like this. Depression just sucks man lol. I'm better now, but me remembering how I was at my lowest points, kind of makes me happy knowing how long I have lasted.
Well said.
Been there.
Great post, concise synopsis of what it is like. Thanks Fren.