I am sitting at my kitchen table crying. Not the crying of something sad. The type of crying that shatters your soul.

I reach out to you because you are anons. You don’t know me, and most likely never will.

The Great Awakening has not only opened my eyes to the utter evils that humankind has endured for thousands of generations, but it has also opened my eyes to the evil of SELF.

I am going through some serious self reflection. On the outside I appear like I should. On the inside….

Are my sins. My sins of thoughts, actions, lying, cheating. Always thinking I am a good person, but I’m not.

I stole 50 cent pieces from my dad’s dresser and rode my bike to the candy store when I was young. I stole a caramel from the grocery store when I was 4. I ripped tulips out of someone’s garden so I could give them to my mom. I rode on the back of a motorcycle at 15 going so fast I thought “what if I were to die right now?” Found out later the driver was drunk. My mom called the police when she found out I was on the bike. (They picked me up)

I lost my virginity at 18 to a narcissist and it has been downhill personally ever since. I gave myself to him because I thought we would be married. We weren’t.

I married a broken man because broken men made me feel better about myself. If I loved them enough, cooked beautiful meals for them, strive to be perfect, they would become whole.

I start something. I get excited and if I screw up or something else captures my attention, I quit. My intentions are always pure, but the self loathing I feel not fulfilling my intentions is gross.

I don’t even know who I really am. A full blown sinner I can tell you that much. I imagine Christ next to me. Sitting with me now. Forgiving me. Having mercy on me. I don’t feel it.

There is more I could tell you. My skeletons. I have too much shame to even say to you.

Maybe this is true repentance. The crumbling of ego.

I am sorry for everything I have done that wasn’t good and whole. So very sorry.