This is not blasphemy. It's your honest struggle and your questions and doubts are common ones. Thomas was face-to-face with the risen Jesus and still couldn't believe until he put his hands into the wounds.
Jesus said, "Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door will be opened for you."
Here's a video, it's only 2 minutes, so I can't pretend it can completely answer everything your heart is longing to know, but it's a great start. https://youtu.be/OvoYMvJDXg0?si=7VEKaoY--mgc0VL5
You say you feel cursed... Well, we are all cursed. Not only by the great evil around us, but minor evils within our own hearts. The Good News is that God didn't want us to be cursed and didn't just sit on a heavenly throne to condemn the whole cursed earth and destroy us. He came out of love to rescue us in the person of Jesus Christ, who took our curse upon Himself in order to free us of it. He rose from the dead to give us a new life, one where we live under His kingship and resist the rebellion against Him by embodying the love and truth of God.
By being here, you are already on your way to recognizing there is a higher truth than the ugly reality that humanity has been drenched in since the dawn of time. We believe there is something wrong with the way things are and have been for thousands of years. We believe there is some ultimate good to aspire to. That is the image of God in you, and you must look to it to help you find your Father in Heaven.

I'd be honored to try to answer any questions and help you find the amazing truth of God's love.

This is not blasphemy. It's your honest struggle and your questions and doubts are common ones. Thomas was face-to-face with the risen Jesus and still couldn't believe until he put his hands into the wounds.
Jesus said, "Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door will be opened for you."
Here's a video, it's only 2 minutes, so I can't pretend it can completely answer everything your heart is longing to know, but it's a great start. https://youtu.be/OvoYMvJDXg0?si=7VEKaoY--mgc0VL5
You say you feel cursed... Well, we are all cursed. Not only the great evil around us, but minor evils within our own hearts. The Good News is that God didn't want us to be cursed and didn't just sit on a heavenly throne to condemn the whole cursed earth and destroy us. He came out of love to rescue us in the person of Jesus Christ, who took our curse upon Himself in order to free us of it. He rose from the dead to give us a new life, one where we live under His kingship and resist the rebellion against Him by embodying the love and truth of God.
By being here, you are already on your way to recognizing there is a higher truth than the ugly reality that humanity has been drenched in since the dawn of time. We believe there is something wrong with the way things are and have been for thousands of years. We believe there is some ultimate good to aspire to. That is the image of God in you, and you must look to it to help you find your Father in Heaven.

I'd be honored to try to answer any questions and help you find the amazing truth of God's love.