I came to the conclusion that the suffering I've endured can only be explained by my soul choosing this path as an act of bravery. God isn't cruel. Suffering is the teacher and making mistakes is part of the learning. In our struggle we create the most beautiful things from the contrast between light and dark. That's why we were gifted free will, the ability to create without restraint requires that we are also free to fail. If God made us to fail he will have also made a way for us to get back up again.