I totally know what you mean, I know how you feel on a deep level, it one time I felt that way, but what I found is when I went toe to toe with the Lord Jesus, and said “make yourself real, if you’re real, it not only happened, but there’s a soberness and I knowing that is not found in Hipnosis, or any outside objective metal framing, I have an engineering background with a high degree of actuarial acuity, I have personally seen over 300 times someone do this, go toe to toe with this 10 second prayer, never seen it fail, if it did I would tell you, but all 300+ were Ernest in their request. Once you mean it, it is up to the Lord Jesus to do the rest of the work to reveal himself to you, That was the big paradigm is that I thought it was a belief system, mental assent or some other abstract bubble in the subconscious arena, it couldn’t be farther from the truth, it’s something that has to be personally experienced but you have to mean it and not pussyfoot with what we’re talking about here, go right at the Lord, If you have the guts to put some motivational elbow grease into your request, it will happen, you got to mean it. The biggest lie is that you will lose your objectivity if you do so it really is real, I can tell you on the other side of this experience that you’re more sober than ever and you just know.