I'm struggling in every way.

I have young kids. Wife.

I think we had issues before Q and all - and now here we are.

I've made so many mistakes. Some I don't think I can come back from. Financial and otherwise. Addiction. Work. As a Dad. 3 kids - one severely Autistic.

Imagine never having the time to process any of this and move on - just having to find some new way to bend so you can reach the next hole in the wall so you can plug it. That Joy is something you talk about and see as in a past life. I love my kids. I find moments of Joy with them. I've just - I don't know how to find it myself anymore - only through their eyes.

I'm not even 38 yet.

I try to look at it like after 9/11 I was all alone. I saw it plane ( heh ) as day. Alone in a forrest. Never did I think here I would be among folks during the purge ( it was obvious to those of us in Tech even back in 2003 ) that here I would be with some sort of outlet.

I'm doing my best to walk towards God.

Through this. Through addiction. Through all of the mistakes.

Through feeling like my kids are better of with me as far away from them as possible - and then remembering that that's just Satan getting in my head because there isn't a person alive that will do for them what I would.

A lot of people say "I would die for ______"

Well. Are you willing to say, "I will live for ________"?

I've got this far.

I dont' know what comes next.