There's a priest counselor guy interview along the same lines. In talking about an abusive spouse, for example, he says instead of defending against "You are a terrible housekeeper and don't take good care of the children" by saying "that's not true" you change the focus. You say, "Why are you so insecure that feel you need to say things that you know aren't true" or something along those lines. It was interesting the way he framed it. Not allowing the other person to define the issue as being you. Not articulating it as well as he did but it was fascinating.

Can you link to the video?