Gender affirming care is when your parent tells you mom's high heels are not for you, because you're a boy, now here's some cool boots just like your dad wears, go put them on and you'll love it, I promise. Then we'll go fishing.
I want to ask you this in a non-confrontational way. I don't intend to respond unless you want me to, but I am curious about your thought.
go put them on and you'll love it, I promise.
What if he doesn't? What if he tries the boots, hates them, and prefers the high heels? What do you see as the problem in this case, and what is the next step to solving it?
I know GAW's general leaning on this issue and I'm not trying to provoke a debate or anything. Just curious how you apply it to a practical scenario, since you opened that door here.
No problem, I hope to give some useful answer if I can.
The "what if" stuff is showing weakness. As a father you exude confidence, you are SURE the boy will love those boots.
It is all about what you expose a kid to.
You are a parent, and it is your job to raise your child, not to allow the child to raise itself. If the child likes the heels, it doesn't matter, they don't get the heels. In fact, they will never see heels again. You were the one who exposed him to that and allowed them access to it, so you should eliminate that as a first step, because you caused that issue. The parent knows what's best for the child (usually, in a sane society) until they are mature. So as not to stress the boy out, you'd logically deduce why he doesn't want the boots, to then explain how he's not thinking correctly and boots are pretty dope actually, and/or give him a shoe that compromises. Can't always break down and let the kid get their way. You are their guide and their way.
Curiosity is natural. Kids are very curious. They go into their parents' room when nobody is home and they explore all the items they find. They test them all out. This doesn't mean a kid is gay or gender curious. It just means they're curious, to know what happens, when they utilize the items of their parents. Accessing your parents' stuff should usually be grounds for getting in trouble anyways. Don't punish the kid to where they think you're making heels off limits like candy bars, so that they secretly want more.
I can't actually say how to parent because I've never done it. But I was kid once. What seems to work is if you catch your boy playing with stuff that isn't appropriate for their gender, you have to take it away and explain that its for girls. You have to tell them that he's a boy, and that stuff is for girls. Maybe even make a fun little jab at "girls" a bit. Girls wear dresses and boys wear pants. Remember? You've always worn pants growing up, yes you remember now don't you? This works very well and the kid can easily understand it without enduring any stress.
The feminine things can be kept out of reach when a boy is in the household. Simple and logical stuff like that.
Father spending time with the boy is key though. If the kid won't wean off the mother, the mother can take on a role of slight disinterest in the boy, while the mother and father should work together to get that kid out there in the wilderness, learn to survive, harden up that manhood. Boy scouts and Girl scouts exist for a reason, to show kids how to be comfortable with their body, their mind, and who they are.
And it also comes down to plainly teaching kids the difference between a boy and a girl, which we've done since the beginning of time. The reason they might play with mom's stuff is because they don't yet know the difference between boy and girl. They think it's "adult" stuff, they don't know gender until taught about it. They don't know "girl stuff" from "boy stuff". Kids see thing more as "us kids vs them adults".
I appreciate your response. I read every word and agree with many of the points you make. It did inspire a response, since you put so much thought into yours.
When I evaluate whether I would stop my possibly hypothetical son from doing something, I think of this question from him:
“What bad things would happen to me if I did this?”
We would evaluate the bad things that would happen, weigh them against the benefits, and come to a decision.
You and I would probably answer these questions from our sons the same way:
“What bad things happen to me if I become an axe murderer?”
“What bad things happen to me if I become a drug dealer?”
“What bad things happen to me if I sexually assault someone?”
“What bad things happen to me if I have sex as a twelve year old with an adult?”
“What bad things happen to me if I got someone pregnant right now?”
“What bad things happen to me if I try heroin just once?”
“What bad things happen to me if I shot myself?”
Maybe even the same answers to these questions (if we give each other some credit):
“What bad things happen to me if I try smoking pot just once?”
“What bad things happen to me if I get drunk at a party?”
“What bad things happen to me if a lie, but for a good reason?”
“What bad things would happen to me if I married this girl I’ve known for three months?”
I think we just diverge in how we would answer the following question from our respective sons:
“What bad things happen to me if I wear a dress in public?”
“What bad things happen to me if I prefer to go by she instead of he?”
“What bad things happen to me if I wear make-up?”
Because my answers are, “People will make fun of you. They will look down on you. They will discriminate and assume things about you. Some people will find you sexually unattractive.”
Depression rates? Anxiety rates? Suicide rates? Can’t really separate that from what it must be like to live while being mocked and laughed at. It would make anyone mentally unstable.
I find myself left only with, “the world will be cruel to you if you choose to live like this.” But if they choose to make that choice anyway, and they honestly believe they are happier, then I can’t help but see a strength in that, not weakness.
All that being said, I don’t dismiss at all the numerous social conflicts we see as a result of transgender acceptance, such as how we deal with sports situations, public restrooms, and ABSOLUTELY when the appropriate age is for major medical alterations.
But I don’t throw the whole philosophy out based on the challenge it provides society.
If the only reason my son shouldn’t wear high heels is because it’ll provoke people to attack him, and he walks out of the house anyway, then either he’s just curious and about to have a learning experience, or he’s brave and taking damage for something that makes him happy, or he’s a badass who honestly doesn’t give a shit what people think, which is probably going to include me.
If the only problem is, “the world will hate you,” and my son says, “the world can go fuck itself”, that… honestly seems like a mantra that many Q people would be behind.
Thanks again for your extensive thoughts on it. I always appreciate finding places of similarity, even if our differences tend to be the main point of discussion around here.
Gender affirming care is when your parent tells you mom's high heels are not for you, because you're a boy, now here's some cool boots just like your dad wears, go put them on and you'll love it, I promise. Then we'll go fishing.
That's about as concise and unconfrontational a response as I've ever seen. I'm going to meme this horse to death.
I want to ask you this in a non-confrontational way. I don't intend to respond unless you want me to, but I am curious about your thought.
What if he doesn't? What if he tries the boots, hates them, and prefers the high heels? What do you see as the problem in this case, and what is the next step to solving it?
I know GAW's general leaning on this issue and I'm not trying to provoke a debate or anything. Just curious how you apply it to a practical scenario, since you opened that door here.
No problem, I hope to give some useful answer if I can.
The "what if" stuff is showing weakness. As a father you exude confidence, you are SURE the boy will love those boots.
It is all about what you expose a kid to.
You are a parent, and it is your job to raise your child, not to allow the child to raise itself. If the child likes the heels, it doesn't matter, they don't get the heels. In fact, they will never see heels again. You were the one who exposed him to that and allowed them access to it, so you should eliminate that as a first step, because you caused that issue. The parent knows what's best for the child (usually, in a sane society) until they are mature. So as not to stress the boy out, you'd logically deduce why he doesn't want the boots, to then explain how he's not thinking correctly and boots are pretty dope actually, and/or give him a shoe that compromises. Can't always break down and let the kid get their way. You are their guide and their way.
Curiosity is natural. Kids are very curious. They go into their parents' room when nobody is home and they explore all the items they find. They test them all out. This doesn't mean a kid is gay or gender curious. It just means they're curious, to know what happens, when they utilize the items of their parents. Accessing your parents' stuff should usually be grounds for getting in trouble anyways. Don't punish the kid to where they think you're making heels off limits like candy bars, so that they secretly want more.
I can't actually say how to parent because I've never done it. But I was kid once. What seems to work is if you catch your boy playing with stuff that isn't appropriate for their gender, you have to take it away and explain that its for girls. You have to tell them that he's a boy, and that stuff is for girls. Maybe even make a fun little jab at "girls" a bit. Girls wear dresses and boys wear pants. Remember? You've always worn pants growing up, yes you remember now don't you? This works very well and the kid can easily understand it without enduring any stress.
The feminine things can be kept out of reach when a boy is in the household. Simple and logical stuff like that.
Father spending time with the boy is key though. If the kid won't wean off the mother, the mother can take on a role of slight disinterest in the boy, while the mother and father should work together to get that kid out there in the wilderness, learn to survive, harden up that manhood. Boy scouts and Girl scouts exist for a reason, to show kids how to be comfortable with their body, their mind, and who they are.
And it also comes down to plainly teaching kids the difference between a boy and a girl, which we've done since the beginning of time. The reason they might play with mom's stuff is because they don't yet know the difference between boy and girl. They think it's "adult" stuff, they don't know gender until taught about it. They don't know "girl stuff" from "boy stuff". Kids see thing more as "us kids vs them adults".
Hope it helps!
I appreciate your response. I read every word and agree with many of the points you make. It did inspire a response, since you put so much thought into yours.
When I evaluate whether I would stop my possibly hypothetical son from doing something, I think of this question from him:
“What bad things would happen to me if I did this?”
We would evaluate the bad things that would happen, weigh them against the benefits, and come to a decision.
You and I would probably answer these questions from our sons the same way:
“What bad things happen to me if I become an axe murderer?”
“What bad things happen to me if I become a drug dealer?”
“What bad things happen to me if I sexually assault someone?”
“What bad things happen to me if I have sex as a twelve year old with an adult?”
“What bad things happen to me if I got someone pregnant right now?”
“What bad things happen to me if I try heroin just once?”
“What bad things happen to me if I shot myself?”
Maybe even the same answers to these questions (if we give each other some credit):
“What bad things happen to me if I try smoking pot just once?”
“What bad things happen to me if I get drunk at a party?”
“What bad things happen to me if a lie, but for a good reason?”
“What bad things would happen to me if I married this girl I’ve known for three months?”
I think we just diverge in how we would answer the following question from our respective sons:
“What bad things happen to me if I wear a dress in public?”
“What bad things happen to me if I prefer to go by she instead of he?”
“What bad things happen to me if I wear make-up?”
Because my answers are, “People will make fun of you. They will look down on you. They will discriminate and assume things about you. Some people will find you sexually unattractive.”
Depression rates? Anxiety rates? Suicide rates? Can’t really separate that from what it must be like to live while being mocked and laughed at. It would make anyone mentally unstable.
I find myself left only with, “the world will be cruel to you if you choose to live like this.” But if they choose to make that choice anyway, and they honestly believe they are happier, then I can’t help but see a strength in that, not weakness.
All that being said, I don’t dismiss at all the numerous social conflicts we see as a result of transgender acceptance, such as how we deal with sports situations, public restrooms, and ABSOLUTELY when the appropriate age is for major medical alterations.
But I don’t throw the whole philosophy out based on the challenge it provides society.
If the only reason my son shouldn’t wear high heels is because it’ll provoke people to attack him, and he walks out of the house anyway, then either he’s just curious and about to have a learning experience, or he’s brave and taking damage for something that makes him happy, or he’s a badass who honestly doesn’t give a shit what people think, which is probably going to include me.
If the only problem is, “the world will hate you,” and my son says, “the world can go fuck itself”, that… honestly seems like a mantra that many Q people would be behind.
Thanks again for your extensive thoughts on it. I always appreciate finding places of similarity, even if our differences tend to be the main point of discussion around here.