What biking advice do you have?

• How rusty is too rusty? Does a rusted-all-to-hell bike deter the bike thieves? Is it actually a positive?

• How do you keep your balls from jiggling around? My left nut is about double the size of a normal testicle because it was undescended as a kid and I had to get it plucked out like an in-grown tooth. In other words, I'm not a fan of jock-straps.

• Are elbow and knee pads worth the discomfort and sweat-rash?

• Do those hoards of bicyclists actually go into the woods to have big-gay orgies? I've had a family friend confirm his relative does that, mind you.

• How do you manage to not look gay riding a bicycle? I'm never wearing one of those "sponsored" tight-fitting bike uniforms. I'm not Lance Armstrong, and even if I was he's still a faggy cheater.

• I got a stream-lined backpack for emergency water. Should I bring a gun with me for "other" emergencies?

• Are scooters gay? Are skateboards still cool? Which does the least harm to your lower back?

• I always move off to the side and let cars pass. Is this safer or more dangerous? I don't wanna be a jerk and force someone to pass me when I'm the one going 5-10 miles an hour and they gotta take a shit really bad.

• Does biking help reduce belly-fat? I don't drink, but I've had a beer-belly since 8th grade. I'm not fat, I can lift a whole fridge, except I look pregnant. Will biking help me shed the midriff?

• Since sun-screen is known to be carcinogenic (likely on purpose) what's the over-under on alternatives? I have some methylene blue which is used in super-expensive sun-screens that don't have asbestos in them, but I don't wanna risk dying my skin blue.

• My head gets really itchy from the helmet. Is a shaved head better or worse? How do you manage the itching in that bastard?

• Seriously, though. Do bicyclists have gay orgies in the woods? They always creep me out because I live out in the boonies. I don't wanna wake up and find out they sniffed my bike out and are humping around it like a pack of jack rabbits in heat. Is there an anti-gay-orgy-bicyclist repellent I can spray around my shed?