Sounds like you are having a rough time friend! I ahve never been through.what it sounds like you are going through- I can feel the pain in your words though. If I could, I would offer you some advice.

First, forget about sexuality for a while. Put it aside. Focus on improving yourself. Set some goals related to actual tasks or achievements you want to accomplish ( like hike so many trails, learn a language or an instrument, build a piece of furniture, something that interests you) . Get outside and get an hour or so of brisk physical activity most days . Eat as much natural and unprocessed food as you can afford.

Next, find a church you can connect with. Some churches I have been to are stuffy and judgemental, full of gossipy people. Dont settle for that. One of the churches I enjoyed going to as a teenager was on the bad side of town. It was a very motley mix of bikers, ex junkies, ex prostitutes, and some regular folks as well. Very rough around the edges- but zero judgement, and people who truly believed and celebrated in the healing power of Jesus. Anyway, find a church you can connect with, and get plugged in with a group there.

So here is what I would suggest from here. Just do the above for six months. Immerse yourself in physical activities and academic and platonic social activities. I would be willing to bet that at the end of that time, you will have a tremendous amount of clarity and perspective on your situation.

Above all, remember, no matter what your sins or struggles, you are loved by God, and you are not alone.