Well, let's look at the family business. According to Gateway Pundit (https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2022/11/paul-pelosi-friend-david-depape-progressive-per-ex-wife-get-pelosi-house-first-place/):

"Taub is in prison for attempting to abduct a 14 year old boy. She was a well-known nudist activist in San Francisco. She claimed that she was David’s “ex life partner” has known him for more than 20 years. Together, up until 7 years ago, they raised their two sons and her daughter."

Abducting a 14 year old boy...

How about this scenario: Captain Underpants bullshits a kid, maybe a boy, into coming with him to visit his famous friend, Get Hammered. The kid figures out at some point that something is way wrong, and finds an impromptu weapon. When the two perverts are down to their underwear, they get surprised by a hammer-wielding dynamo. Pelosi goes down easy, being an old drunk. Captain Underpants is somewhat hurt, mostly because he wasn't expecting anything. The kid gets away and calls 911. (WHY aren't we hearing the 911 call?) Then he gets the hell out. Even law enforcement is acknowledging a third person was there, but keeping real quiet about who it was.

Everything fits: Captain Underpants in the secured building. Both men are injured. Complete cover-up.

This really seems like kid diddling gone bad. That is the only thing that would justify the extreme cover-up.

Change my mind.

EDIT: This post just reached 17 comments.