Spoiler alert theory: there was no attack.

…It’s a concoction cover for Paul Pelosi getting a sharp tool/toy lost up his tailpipe while jacked on whatever nosecandy his gigolo provided…

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This excuses the emergency hospital visit, all x-rays, tests etc.

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Explains why he’s (inebriated) and confused

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Explains why he had a naked sex-worker visiting at 2am. Ahem, “friend”

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Explains bafflement / embarrassment / cover from the police dept

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Explains the “wellness check call”…Paul might have been bleeding, high-as-a-kite, refused to go to the doctor, not rational.
(Someone called to force his hand-?)

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Guarantees why we will never, ever, ever see security footage of Paul’s hobbled bloody ass being loaded into an emergency vehicle