Very troubling, but not for the reasons we would usually jump to.

He had cancer, pretty aggressive, and it came and went then came and didn’t went.

This man was part of really a platoon of men who had a hand in raising me in the Church I grew up in. A Church I no longer attend and haven’t for 20 years plus.

I held a grudge against him for years for a question he asked when I randomly showed up at a Church event. He said, bluntly (as was his way) “What are you doing here?”

Which was the exact perfect question to ask, the honest question and it burned me up.

I held that grudge until the moment I saw him help my mom into my sisters car, the last time I went to worship with her. (And him, for that matter.) My mom was dying of cancer, this was days before she passed, and she basically fell into the seat of the car and that man kept his composure and when the door was shut and he turned away he let the tears flow. I loved him so much in that moment. I let it all go.

That was 6 years ago this spring.

I am devastated in a way that I did not see coming. Seeing other men who raised me who lost a friend crying absolutely put me right there with them. So many of the memories they spoke of years ago I was there for.

I will handle it, go on, figure out what to do with these thoughts and feelings. I am just kind of lost tonight.

On a brighter note, to end the year, I want to tell you all, this site has been directly from a higher power. I have lost so much since I started using my voice to speak out against what my eyes told me from the jump was wrong, yet you all are here.

Happy New Year. Love each other, but most of all forgive each other, and sooner rather that later.