Lately I've fallen in what feels like a rut of life. I feel numb to all that life has to offer me. I've spent a year with a very taxing new baby who I love and adore but has been my hardest baby yet and my third. Now into toddlerhood, still very much more difficult then my other two children before I feel there is a hint of light at the end of the tunnel. Still I'm just numb. Nothing that I used to be passionate about brings me much anything. From gardening to farming, to writing, to starting new projects etc. I used to leap at the chance to do any of these. Now I can't seem to start anything. I'm plagued with fatigue and mental tiredness. I've done it all to try to alleviate the issue, great diet, plenty of vitamin, lots of sun, long walks, light exercise 4x a week. I'm no longer in darkness but not in the light either. I'm an avid Bible reader/studier but even here, I feel I've lost my spark. Like I've lost my first love. I'm just reading out of duty, praying out of duty, going to church out of duty. Which is so different from a year or two ago. Now to the point. Any recommendations for a personal Bible study, (preferably tangible like a book) about finding the love for God again, I'm not mad at God or faltering in my faith, mentally I rock solid believe in his grace and salvation but . But currently emotionally I feel a whole lot of nothing about everything. I'd like like to think it's better than the darkness but honestly I'm not too sure it is...
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Hit those knees to the floor. Pray. Earnestly. Hands clasped/clenched. Wrestle with God. Tell him what is on your heart and mind. The heart leads us astray. Confess your sin, repent/turn, a prayer that you could sweat blood, commit, give it all to God. Rise. Shoulder the burden. God is all around you. See the world for what it is. Walk the narrow path. Speak truth always. Allow the Holy Sprit to lead you in everything. Everything. Go NOW. Reject that ridiculous cliché that God will never give you anything you can't handle...what a lie. God gives you battles that break you. Sometimes this is what brings us back; a new focus...or we follow our own way. There are only two choices. Never Quit. Prayers to you and yours.
The fervor you have is exactly what I'm hoping for. Words like yours used to make me feel so uncomfortable, but during the height of covid, I felt a taste of that spirit and diligently spoke, prayed , studied with others. I felt a lot of presence then. I've prayed in the spirit of Job , through the darkest points . I for sure believe God values honest prayers, even when I'm angry and brutally honest, I haven't stopped prayers but I feel like there's a block there, like a purposely mentally trying to remain numb even when my spirit is reeling for that closeness again. I've asked for forgiveness in ways I've know I've been wrong and even for forgiveness for maybe what I don't know is wrong, I've spent time dwelling on others I may have not forgiven in my past and forgiving them . And perhaps I'm making all the proper strides and it's a season of waiting and patience but I'm very sick and tired of it.