So much of this is mindset. I've been on both sides of this: success that seems to flow easily and failures that seem endlessly unfair. I was lucky to have the kind of parents you're advising us to be. They sacrificed to give me opportunities. They embraced education constantly, encouraged curiosity, nurtured independence, taught discipline, and gave me the opportunity to go to college when I had earned it. No, they didn't pay for private school. If I wanted that, I had to take out student loans, so I went to a state school. Again, my parents taught me the value of money and how to invest wisely. I missed out on something I wanted and felt I deserved (at a very prestigious school), but I didn't really. I got a great education.
Then I ran into struggles where things didn't come so easily. I wanted to get into a professional school. I went through multiple rounds of applications. I spent thousands on the standardized testing, test prep, application fees, consultants to help me craft better personal statements. It didn't work. There was a giant brick wall in front of that path. I had to take a "lesser" job to get by and for far longer than I wanted to. There are times when I felt like the world just was against me. I had everything on paper I was supposed to need. Dual degree. Minor in Spanish. Extracurriculars. Relevant work experience. Top 90th percentile test scores. But I couldn't get in anywhere.
There are two ways to deal with adversity like this.
Is the way so many of us are told to do today. Recognize yourself as a victim. The system's screwing you. You've got the wrong skin color, the wrong genitals, or the wrong sexual preferences. The world just hates you because of who you are. In psychology, they call this an external locus of control. Everything that happens to you is outside of your control. And it's absolute poison because once you accept that idea, you have to accept the hopelessness that it implies. You can't succeed and you never will. It utterly destroys your spirit. If you've ever felt that way, you know how it makes you feel: scared, useless, hopeless, apathetic, ambitionless. Why try if you're destined to fail?
Is the classic way Americans used to think about the world. Recognize that bad things happen to everyone, but you pick your ass up off the floor, dust yourself off, and try again. No, you don't repeat the same mistakes you just made. You learn from them and try a new approach. You take ownership of your successes, but also of your mistakes. Failure isn't the result of the world trying to screw you. It's the result of you simply needing to find the right way to do it. That's the internal locus of control, and it's empowering. If you're the one in control of your actions, you can succeed if you just try harder and work smarter. Get help. Think outside the box, but don't give up because success is just a matter of time.
I've been in both places mentally in my life. And when I say that first mentality is absolutely soul crushing, it was for me. Despite all the paper in the world that says I shouldn't fail, I did and got hopeless, and there's not a drug on the planet that was going to fix that either. We have to teach ourselves as a society, kids and adults, that second mentality. And more importantly is that we have to recognize when we see others trying and failing and sliding down that path to reach out. It's terribly hard to break that negative mental state. I had help. I had a family who stood by me and showed me. I'm not a success story quite yet, not the way you'd want to tell it in a movie or something, but I'm out of the shitty, demoralized mental state and I'll take that as a start.
So much of this is mindset. I've been on both sides of this: success that seems to flow easily and failures that seem endlessly unfair. I was lucky to have the kind of parents you're advising us to be. They sacrificed to give me opportunities. They embraced education constantly, encouraged curiosity, nurtured independence, taught discipline, and gave me the opportunity to go to college when I had earned it. No, they didn't pay for private school. If I wanted that, I had to take out student loans, so I went to a state school. Again, my parents taught me the value of money and how to invest wisely. I missed out on something I wanted and felt I deserved (at a very prestigious school), but I didn't really. I got a great education.
Then I ran into struggles where things didn't come so easily. I wanted to get into a professional school. I went through multiple rounds of applications. I spent thousands on the standardized testing, test prep, application fees, consultants to help me craft better personal statements. It didn't work. There was a giant brick wall in front of that path. I had to take a "lesser" job to get by and for far longer than I wanted to. There are times when I felt like the world just was against me. I had everything on paper I was supposed to need. Dual degree. Minor in Spanish. Extracurriculars. Relevant work experience. Top 90th percentile test scores. But I couldn't get in anywhere.
There are two ways to deal with adversity like this.
Is the way so many of us are told to do today. Recognize yourself as a victim. The system's screwing you. You've got the wrong skin color, the wrong genitals, or the wrong sexual preferences. The world just hates you because of who you are. In psychology, they call this an external locus of control. Everything that happens to you is outside of your control. And it's absolute poison because once you accept that idea, you have to accept the hopelessness that it implies. You can't succeed and you never will. It utterly destroys your spirit. If you've ever felt that way, you know how it makes you feel: scared, useless, hopeless, apathetic, ambitionless. Why try if you're destined to fail?
Is the classic way Americans used to think about the world. Recognize that bad things happen to everyone, but you pick your ass up off the floor, dust yourself off, and try again. No, you don't repeat the same mistakes you just made. You learn from them and try a new approach. You take ownership of your successes, but also of your mistakes. Failure isn't the result of the world trying to screw you. It's the result of you simply needing to find the right way to do it. That's the internal locus of control, and it's empowering. If you're the one in control of your actions, you can succeed if you just try harder and work smarter. Get help. Think outside the box, but don't give up because success is just a matter of time.
I've been in both places mentally in my life. And when I say that first mentality is absolutely soul crushing, it was for me. Despite all the paper in the world that says I shouldn't fail, I did and got hopeless, and there's not a drug on the planet that was going to fix that either. We have to teach ourselves as a society, kids and adults, that second mentality. And more importantly is that we have to recognize when we see others trying and failing and sliding down that path to reach out. It's terribly hard to break that negative mental state. I had help. I had a family who stood by me and showed me. I'm not a success story quite yet, not the way you'd want to tell it in a movie or something, but I'm out of the shitty, demoralized mental state and I'll take that as a start.