What better way to start the year than with shitpost predictions?

The Democrats finally get sick of Biden, and decide to use the 25th amendment to take him out of office. To do so, they put him through a medical examination. An MRI reveals that Joe Biden has no brain cells in his brain cavity, only tofu. They then throw Biden out of the presidency, but need to put Kamala Harris through the same medical examination. It turns out that she also only has tofu in her brain cavity, but a slightly browner kind that has soy sauce. The presidency gets turned over to the Republican Speaker of the House for the week, whoever that is.

Meanwhile, the wokes have a meeting to organize their riots for the year. During the meeting, however, the wokes start a riot, with the pro-Palestinian wokes fighting the pro-Israel wokes, the feminists fighting the trannies (not a pretty picture), the gays and lesbians fighting the trannies, the nonbinary fighting the binary, and the blacks fighting the illegal immigrant advocates. Several Karens stand around literally trembling. One of them, in between trembles, points out that there are far fewer blacks and Latinos in their group because most blacks and Latinos have become "white supremacists."

The wokes have another meeting to decide how to organize voter fraud. During the meeting, however, the wokes start a riot....etc. etc. etc.

No one wants to rent meeting space to wokes anymore.

The wokes who were injured during the riots are examined at the hospital. Hospital workers discover that the injured wokes also had tofu in their brain cavities instead of brain cells.

The CDC declares a national health crisis about the new Tofu-for-Brains disease. All Fake News outlets release exactly the same headline at exactly the same time.

Doctors are baffled. Then the doctors have MRIs, and it is discovered that doctors also suffer from Tofu-for-Brains disease.

The wokes try to do another shutdown with the Tofu-for-Brains disease, but the evidence is overwhelming that the disease is caused by drinking Bud Light.

In other news, climate scientists decide to solve two problems at one time. Stacey Abrams has been creating enormous problems by moving around the planet and causing massive earthquakes. Climate scientists decide to launch her into orbit as a second moon, and arrange for her orbit to block the sun at critical times from noon to 2 PM when the sun is at its hottest.

In addition, Hunter Biden wanders around the country unnoticed. No one recognizes him with his clothes on.

Hillary Clinton releases video announcements. Eye bleach stocks soar.

Tofu sales plummet. No one is sure where exactly the tofu is coming from. In fact, that was always a bit mysterious.

Nancy Pelosi has a blood test. She is declared an alcoholic beverage.

Trump gets arrested 4,762 times. In one day. A new record.

Harvard President Claudine Gay legally changes her name to "Fake and Gay." She then gets criticized for plagiarizing a common term used on bizarre web sites such as Great Awakening.

John Fetterman announces that space aliens are real and, in fact, he is one of them. He is an ambassador from the planet NeckBump. He says he has also been affected by Tofu-for-Brain disease despite his alien anatomy. As brain cells get converted to tofu, he has to go up to his space ship to get regular brain transplants. That is why there are times that he actually seems semi-coherent. He pledges "harmony and peace between the two planets, although I am personally against the sale of U.S. Steel, especially since my planet can offer a better deal. And also, I propose...." (Fetterman stares blankly. Time for another brain transplant.)

Because the wokes could never get organized, with riots always disrupting their meetings, Trump wins. He deports the illegals, and has his new Attorney General, Tom Fitton, arrest all the Deep State crooks. A new treatment center for Tofu-for-Brains is installed in Gitmo.

So, Anons, be careful with that Tofu-for-Brains virus. Stay away from Bud Light displays in stores. Some drops from inside the cans might jump out somehow. To protect yourself, you need to wear a mask and walk in certain directions in the store. But don't worry! A vaccine will be ready soon! It is guaranteed to work! It will prevent your dying from Tofu-for-Brains disease. It kills you quickly with either heart disease or cancer, so you won't die from either Tofu-for-Brains or COVID. Guaranteed.

Did I forget anything?