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You dummies are always saying Pfizer never conducted animal trials, but they did do the animal trials. They did it on animals at the zoos! From National Geographic, August 2021:

They did it at lots and lots of zoos. Zoos like the Detroit Zoo:

What a terrific idea! They combined the awesome jabs with fun, popular zoos where lovable creatures reside. I love the zoo! And if Kiki the Sea Lion enjoyed her jab, what’s stopping you? So anyway, that reminds me, what’s going on at the Detroit Zoo these days anyways? What’s the haps? … Oh, dear (January 3, 2024):

Now, please, don’t all you crazy anti-vaxxers get all wound up and go misinforming people. You can’t extrapolate anything from a sample size of one. Take for example how wound up everyone got about the Dallas Zoo, which was just in the process of vaccinating its animals when two giraffes — neither yet jabbed — both died suddenly, both mysteriously, both from liver failure:

And then all the anti-vaxxers cooked up wild theories that the dead giraffes had been already jabbed and the zoo just lied about it. So we said, time will tell. And just look! Look how well the Dallas Zoo critters are doing n… oh, wait. Uh-oh (January 1, 2024):

Pro tip: do not dislocate your jaw anywhere near the Dallas Zoo. If you do dislocate your jaw, do not tell anyone at the Zoo, just keep smiling as best you can and edge out. Fast. Weird, another sudden giraffe death. So alright. Maybe now you kooky anti-vaxxers have two examples, but do you really think two jabbed animal sudden deaths really amount to anything? Please. It’s rare, sure, but it could happen. You’re going to have to do much better than that. Let’s pick another zoo, um, how about Utah? Utah’s Hogle Zoo jabbed and boosted its critters (May, 2022):

So if you tinfoil-hat-wearing people are right, then we should be seeing problems at lots of other zoos, like the Hogle Zoo. Dummies, listen. The animals at Hogle are perfectly fi… Stop, hang on. Whoops (December 2nd):

Huh. It turns out the cause of cute little Priya Panda’s sudden death is unknown, despite her autopsy (‘necropsy’). She was feeling poorly, so they took Priya to the vet station, and one thing led to another and she wound up in the veterinary ICU for three days under 24-hour "unprecedented levels of critical care.”

All that unprecedented critical care didn’t work, for some reason, and now Priya is an ex-panda and her tropically-appointed environment is available for rent.

Okay. Fine. I’ll give you that three sudden animal deaths in jabbed critters in one month seems like a lot, but work with me. These kinds of statistical anomalies hap… Wait a minute. I’m getting something about the Oklahoma Zoo. The Okies jabbed their beasts back in 2021:

And I’m sorry to tell you this, it’s quite tragic and I know just what you’re going to say, but for full disclosure they did have a recent sudden death there at the Oklahoma Zoo. Specifically, Kiran the Red Panda, 5 months old, died suddenly and unexpectedly on Christmas:

This is truly horrible. All these dead animals. It is a tragedy of monumental proportions. Can you imagine how tragically it could affect vaccine hesitancy? We have to stop the bleeding. (Or clotting.) What about, um, what about Omaha? What’s going on there, over at the Henry Doorly Zoo, where they jabbed the residents, and boosted their “most valuable” critters in July of 2022:

Please tell me that the high-value animals at Omaha’s Henry Doorly Zoo are running around like normal and aren’t dying sudd… oh for heaven’s sake. November 29th:

Okay, I get it. But. Come on. The jabs are proven to be totally safe and effective. Right? The safest vaccines in history. So let’s check another one. What about here in Florida? Miami Zoo jabbed its critters back in 2021:

What’s going on down there in South Florida? Are the animals all okay? … Oh, no. Turbo spleen cancer, November 3rd:

Bard said the average lifespan for a well-fed, cared-for captive Sumatran tiger is 20-25 years. Not including covid shot care, I assume. This zoo story needs a Frances Collins-style quick, devastating takedown. We must contain the damage. No, stupid, not the damage to the animals. The damage to the vaccines. Are there any other ones? Elderly chimps or anything? Can we just write it all off as old age? … Wait, what? Cincinnati, too? Not old? November 20th:

Amali the Bonobo, 3, died suddenly from an RSV infection. At least the other chimps were given the chance to say goodbye. So that’s something.

This is getting out of hand. Please tell me there aren’t any more. Oh. Of course there are. That’s the kind of day we’re having, apparently. St. Louis, November 9th:

Donna the Elephant’s rapid health decline was caused by her turbo thyroid cancer that started a few weeks before in October. Donna was the second elephant at the St. Louis Zoo to die suddenly recently. Rani the Elephant also died suddenly the same month that Donna got her turbo cancer diagnosis:

Rani had a heart attack caused by a loose dog. You have to watch out for those. The care team saw Rani collapse and gave her immediate emergency care — but it didn’t take. Rani’s necropsy showed a “pre-existing” undiagnosed cardiac condition. Allegedly.

We need to let people know that nobody forced the animals to take the shots. They were given a choice. They could have gone back to Africa or the inner city or worked at the circus, anywhere. They just weren’t allowed to stay at the zoo if they didn’t get jabbed, that’s all. It was completely free-willed and not coercive at all.

So let’s focus on that. It was the animals’ fault. And please try not to let them think too hard about what this zoo story suggests for the humans.