I am sitting at my kitchen table crying. Not the crying of something sad. The type of crying that shatters your soul.
I reach out to you because you are anons. You don’t know me, and most likely never will.
The Great Awakening has not only opened my eyes to the utter evils that humankind has endured for thousands of generations, but it has also opened my eyes to the evil of SELF.
I am going through some serious self reflection. On the outside I appear like I should. On the inside….
Are my sins. My sins of thoughts, actions, lying, cheating. Always thinking I am a good person, but I’m not.
I stole 50 cent pieces from my dad’s dresser and rode my bike to the candy store when I was young. I stole a caramel from the grocery store when I was 4. I ripped tulips out of someone’s garden so I could give them to my mom. I rode on the back of a motorcycle at 15 going so fast I thought “what if I were to die right now?” Found out later the driver was drunk. My mom called the police when she found out I was on the bike. (They picked me up)
I lost my virginity at 18 to a narcissist and it has been downhill personally ever since. I gave myself to him because I thought we would be married. We weren’t.
I married a broken man because broken men made me feel better about myself. If I loved them enough, cooked beautiful meals for them, strive to be perfect, they would become whole.
I start something. I get excited and if I screw up or something else captures my attention, I quit. My intentions are always pure, but the self loathing I feel not fulfilling my intentions is gross.
I don’t even know who I really am. A full blown sinner I can tell you that much. I imagine Christ next to me. Sitting with me now. Forgiving me. Having mercy on me. I don’t feel it.
There is more I could tell you. My skeletons. I have too much shame to even say to you.
Maybe this is true repentance. The crumbling of ego.
I am sorry for everything I have done that wasn’t good and whole. So very sorry.
It sounds like he may have ADHD or some type of autism. Just to get started - if you go to Instagram and start looking into the topics, I listed above, you can get some 30 second clips that might help you understand your illness.
With that being said, I suggest accepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. Find a Bible believing church, read God word every day, and find a very good Womens Bible Study. Having a Womens Bible Study helps to keep you grounded in God’s word, and gives you support of other women. They’ve been a great help with me and my mental issues.
We’re living in dark Times, sometimes it’s good to take a break from a place like this. But you do sound like you could have some type of ADHD or autism. There’s nothing wrong with you, you’re just different. Like many of us here. 👏👏👏
^^ This.
I did some crazy shit when I was young, and let other people twist me around so I wasn't right with God. I didn't get diagnosed until I was 42.
Understanding that there were times I did stuff and couldn't have told why I'd done them to save my life might have a cause other than me just being a fuck up totally changed my life.
Now in my fifties Jesus lives in my heart and I know I'm forgiven. I still fuck up occasionally, but nothing on the scale from before, and it's usually easy to straighten out once I realise what I've done.
Don't imagine Christ is sitting next to you, because he is inside your heart and mind, you just have to open the door.
This is an amazingly positive step you've taken and it took a shit load of courage to admit this all to yourself, let alone post it. I'm happy for you and where this will take you next.
God bless.
Thanks. It’s been an interesting journey. The trick is learning about your mental disability, while not identifying as that. If it makes any sense. I am a new creation in Christ! This is fantastic, and there’s hope for the future. However; understanding how my brain works, and different idiosyncrasies that I have, means I can approach life differently. Being able to manage all of this, and move forward victoriously is a wonderful feeling. Thanks for your encouragement. I hope OP is able to find hope in Christ, and possibly exploring how the brain works!