I am sitting at my kitchen table crying. Not the crying of something sad. The type of crying that shatters your soul.
I reach out to you because you are anons. You don’t know me, and most likely never will.
The Great Awakening has not only opened my eyes to the utter evils that humankind has endured for thousands of generations, but it has also opened my eyes to the evil of SELF.
I am going through some serious self reflection. On the outside I appear like I should. On the inside….
Are my sins. My sins of thoughts, actions, lying, cheating. Always thinking I am a good person, but I’m not.
I stole 50 cent pieces from my dad’s dresser and rode my bike to the candy store when I was young. I stole a caramel from the grocery store when I was 4. I ripped tulips out of someone’s garden so I could give them to my mom. I rode on the back of a motorcycle at 15 going so fast I thought “what if I were to die right now?” Found out later the driver was drunk. My mom called the police when she found out I was on the bike. (They picked me up)
I lost my virginity at 18 to a narcissist and it has been downhill personally ever since. I gave myself to him because I thought we would be married. We weren’t.
I married a broken man because broken men made me feel better about myself. If I loved them enough, cooked beautiful meals for them, strive to be perfect, they would become whole.
I start something. I get excited and if I screw up or something else captures my attention, I quit. My intentions are always pure, but the self loathing I feel not fulfilling my intentions is gross.
I don’t even know who I really am. A full blown sinner I can tell you that much. I imagine Christ next to me. Sitting with me now. Forgiving me. Having mercy on me. I don’t feel it.
There is more I could tell you. My skeletons. I have too much shame to even say to you.
Maybe this is true repentance. The crumbling of ego.
I am sorry for everything I have done that wasn’t good and whole. So very sorry.
Fren you're half way to Heaven as it were.
1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
Psalm 103:11&12 For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; 12 as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
What the "Gospel Message" is ia a promise of God's that is for us to transfer our faith to Him from ourselves. It's only when we recognize our need of God's forgiveness that it makes sense though. All sin is an offense to the righteous God who created this world.
Romans 3:23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,
We, on our own, are broken and we break things. The very next verses though:
Romans 3:24 and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, 25 whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith.
"To be received by faith" - it's understanding the promise and acting on it.
"as a propitiation by his blood" - this refers to Jesus' act of sacrifice dieing on behalf of everyone else to take the punishment all our sins deserve.
"whom God put forward" - this is referring to it being God's initiative to reach out to us and for us.
"through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus" -this is what Jesus' whole coming was all about. Redemption is reclaim through the appropriate means what was yours. We've all went stupid and wandered away to be owned by sin. Redemption here is God's work of getting us back.
"as a gift" - God offers this at an infinite cost to Himself so that this is free to us.
"are justified by his grace" - to be justified it to have what is rightfully due you be declared concerning you. Like when an honorable judge pronounces a verdict at the end of a trial. Right now you are just to acknowledge your sin. God may be just in declaring you righteous if you would take him up on His offer.
What is His offer? Forgiveness and righteousness in your relationship with Him. That's the gift. That is what being saved is. This is what eternal life is.
Consider Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
2 Corinthians 5:21 For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.
Romans 10:9 because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.
The Gospel is this: God has made a promise of forgiveness and righteousness to all those who will trust Him concerning it. It is for us to acknowledge we've done wrong and it separates us from Him but by believing/requesting His action of redemption to be given to us He graciously pardons and gifts the perfect track record of Jesus to us in our relationship with Him. This is truly become one of His. This is when living starts. I can go on if your interested.
Please know you're not alone and frens love you! Praying for you!