REPORTED BY SHITPOST INTERNATIONAL NEWS SERVICE--Medical experts who have examined an MRI leaked yesterday by a Walter Reed employee reveal that President Biden's brain cavity is empty of brain cells or anything else. The image did show evidence of a small circuit board at the top of the neck. Somewhat blurry images indicated electrodes and wires that apparently control his face. Similar circuitry may control the rest of his body.
The employee who was sending out the MRI was, unfortunately, caught during transmission, and did not send the entire image, only the head and shoulders. As a disciplinary action, the employee was told he had COVID, hooked to a ventilator, handcuffed to the ventilator, and forced to look at a photo of Hillary Clinton naked.
Administrators wanted to send a clear message that leaking private medical information, including whether or not someone has a brain, is firmly against hospital policy. There was some problem, however, with work getting done at the hospital, with some employees having trouble with their job duties because they were shaking with fear.
Anonymous sources inside NSA said that Biden is apparently controlled remotely, as a human drone. They said the signals to control Biden apparently are coming back and forth from a bunker near Peking.
The MRI also shows evidence that the right side of Biden's head opens and closes like a door. The scan shows small metal hinges and a small item that seems like a door latch. This is apparently for maintenance purposes.
In fact, Biden's plastic surgery, which has been widely reported, may have been for the purpose of retrofitting him as a human drone. Based on energy spikes in Biden's neighborhood in Delaware, it appears his frequent visits there are for recharging his power, which is probably distributed in small power packs throughout his body, and for maintenance.
Some scientists declare that Biden is the first remotely-controlled human drone. However, a brain specialist, who wanted to remain anonymous, said "There is little or no evidence of brain activity in most members of Congress." He pointed out the recent problem with Eleanor Holmes Norton parking a car (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7Ym-kk1tRw) as evidence of little or no brain activity.
There is some video evidence that Biden's controllers have been trying to keep Biden's pedophile tendencies under control, but it may be that they are so deep seated that they have saturated all his body cells.
White House insiders have reported that it has been difficult to reliably get Biden to respond to his name. He responded to "Joe" and "President Biden" for some time, but then had circuitry problems when a phone call got him to repeat "Let's Go Brandon." For a while he would only reply to "Brandon." Then occasionally he would also respond to "China Joe" and "Pedo Joe." At this time, however, he only responds to "Sniffy." He may require another trip to Delaware to repair this undocumented feature.
When asked, in a rare public appearance, about evidence that his brain cavity was empty, Biden replied "Come on, man!" and turned around looking for children to grope.
REPORTED BY SHITPOST INTERNATIONAL NEWS SERVICE--Clinton family representatives announced that Bill Clinton, former U.S. president, has made the Guinness Book of World Records for having the highest number of venereal diseases at one time while still standing. (See photos here: https://americanpatriotdaily.com/featured/alexandria-ocasio-cortezs-comments-on-bill-clinton-has-him-seeing-red/ and http://drfittinfo.com/solving-mystery-autoimmune-conditions/bill-clinton/)
Family and friends at an intimate gathering congratulated President Clinton on making the record book. According to anonymous sources, "daughter" Chelsea Clinton said "I knew he could do it. If someone puts enough time and energy into something, they can accomplish anything."
Failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton was also proud of her husband's accomplishment. "It's a shame that Kuru doesn't count as a venereal disease. He would have made the Guinness Book much sooner," she said as she and best friend Huma Aberdin returned to their barbecue.
REPORTED BY SHITPOST INTERNATIONAL NEWS NETWORK--Scientists, who originally thought that the tsunami was triggered by a volcanic eruption near Tonga, have studied satellite data and found that this was not true. Oceanographers have pinned down the source to Stacey Abrams visiting the California coast and standing on a pier. That pier collapsed under her weight, sending a huge tidal wave throughout the Pacific Ocean, including the rest of the U.S. west coast, many islands, and Japan.
Marine biologists also report that, at the same time, they picked up whale communications indicating that a whale group thought that one of their community was stranded near the coast.
An anti-climate change activist group is reconsidering their plans, based on the incredible and unpredictable impact that Stacey Abrams, possibly the only human visible from space, has on the environment. The activist group was planning to launch Ms. Abrams into orbit to partially block the sun and lower the earth's temperature. Their plans has already been delayed, however, because they had trouble finding rockets with enough thrust to send her into orbit. As one activist said, "Launching a space station into orbit is one thing. Stacey Abrams is quite another."