I used to have a lot of trust in the plan (also used to have a different account; I know this one is relatively new). In December, I was convinced that Trump would take office, the truth would come out and we had nothing to worry about. Now, my mom, best friend and grandparents have taken the vaccine (I probably have three friends total who won’t eventually take it) and I’m constantly distracted by the fear that so many people I care about might only have a year or so left to live. It’s hard to trust the plan when consequences seem incipient. I know I’m not the only one in much need of real hope.

I spent basically a year frantically trying to wake her up, but couldn’t ever bring myself to show her the really disturbing stuff. I’m sure I’ve just made the cause look awful because I’ve been kept up at night and isolated in a lot of ways from it. I really wanted to protect her from that side of it as much as I could.

Anyway, I wanted to cut a deal with her—that she waits to take the vaccine until after I show her some specific things. But, when I asked her that, she told me she already got the first shot.

She told me, sobbing, that it was her only chance of seeing her mom again in her nursing home. My grandma, by the way, is all but gone because she’s had zero social interactions with her dementia and is stuck alone in a room all the time with no clear idea why. She‘s become miserable, of course, in this empty existence. But my mom had faith that this would end with the vaccine.

She’s a teacher and has had no time to do research like me, because she’s just overwhelmed. She had to change all her lesson plans and has such a huge heart that she felt her purpose was giving her students real support and relief, as much as possible, since their lives have been so miserable too. Despite the school’s parents being unforgiving and the school administration being a nightmare. One student wrote her a 27-page essay on a 2-page assignment, and my mom read the whole thing, for example. She has not had it easy, and even though I have less sympathy for her fear of the virus, that makes it all worse.

Fuck the cabal for making my mom take a vaccine as a rite of passage to see her mom ever again. These people are a special kind of evil. And I wish Trump had a better answer for this than “everyone should get the shot.”

I am just so disappointed with everything and need a turnaround in my life, badly. I barely have anything to live for anymore and have basically felt like I’m just marking time these past months, but somehow things keep getting worse and I can’t help but feel it’s just the beginning.

EDIT: By the way, my account is not actually new. I used to be MarxCuckerberg, if anyone remembers.