Then they mandate all public washrooms be closed and what’s this - ransomware attack on a plumber’s union? Guys it looks like we need to lock down all the toilets everywhere. Every citizen is alloted one flush a week. Please do not defecate beyond your allotted limit. We are all in this together. The government will be delivering free made-in-China diapers to every man, woman, and child in America. Some conspiracy theorists claim people who use the Chinese diapers are getting rashes. That was debunked by Dr. Yo I.M. Lying of the WHO’s Toilet Crisis Taskforce. (!) Click here to learn more about famous diaper rash conspiracy theories throughout history. (!) “But I’m a grown man! I don’t want to shit in a diaper! You can’t make me!” JUST SHIT IN THE DIAPER YOU BIGOT! “This is ridiculous! Let’s all just start shitting in the toilets again.” DR. FAUCI says a diaper even holds diarrhea! Look at this peer-reviewed study in Lancet, it says — “I don’t care what it says, the shit is running down my leg! I’m using the toilet!” Wear two diapers! STOP! Police! This man is going to take a shit! “Sir! Sir! Put the toilet paper down. Either you hold it in or you shit in the diaper.” Huffington Post: Help! I’m a 32-year-old transgender woman and I find myself “holding it in” (ew) throughout the week instead of just shitting myself freely and without shame. #ShitFree #NoShame If my co-workers find out I’ve been holding it in, they might think I’m a Trump supporter. They keep asking to smell my pants but my pants don’t smell like shit! What is wrong with me?!”