425 My contribution to the next campfire sing-a-long (media.greatawakening.win) posted 3 years ago by BoomerNuc 3 years ago by BoomerNuc +426 / -1 49 comments download share 49 comments share download save hide report block hide replies
Should change "urine" to "pee" in the last verse.
Fits better.
Meter is as important as rhyme. I needed a two syllable word to fit the melody.
I know.
I think the meter is off using "urine".
Count the syllables.
No the meter is right in the current version.
E-ven if the ur-ine will go (8) Through a flesh-y sort of dil-do (8)
But the comma should come after through (even though you didn't add it like you did in the other verses).
"Even if her urine will go through,
a fleshy sort of dildo"
vs
"Even if her pee will go through,
A fleshy sort of dildo"
Just seems to flow better
Through doesn’t rhyme with dildo in this version. The ends of the lines need to rhyme.
Meter wise it also doesn’t work at all
In the original, “will go” rhymes with “dildo”
scrap the third verse, it doesn't work and is distracting. The first two are great!
Everyone's a critic!
I did not know the win was the place to find song writers