My contribution to the next campfire sing-a-long
(media.greatawakening.win)
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Right and the version you wrote doesn’t flow or rhyme. The rhyme structure of this is AABBA, meaning the third and fourth lines have to rhyme.
“Through,” or “go through,” doesn’t rhyme with “dildo.”
“Will go” does.
You also have an awkward number of syllables (15) that makes the flow stutter on the line change
Also if you have to think that hard about not saying “go through” without a pause then I think you might need to go back to school…
Actually, you are the one needing to go back to school, since you have trouble putting commas in the right place.
Then look at the lyrics of many songs, and try to understand rhyme is not as important as flow.
Look at the lyrics posted by OP, and the one posted by the comment you “corrected”
In all instances, you have the rhyme structure AABBA, and constituent meter. All 6 verses. It’s a children’s rhyme and fits with the structure of the original.
Yours does not. It’s doesn’t rhyme, it doesn’t have the same meter. Let it go. Everyone else here has pointed out the inconsistencies with yours politely and you’ve ignored them. Say it out loud if it helps.
Ok.....let us GO THROUGH this again....
My point was simple.
But obviously too complex for you.
"Go through" is a phrase the brain is used to seeing and saying together.
Forcing it to be separated simply because it allows for the same number of syllables to be present messes with the flow.
The last stanza had 8 syllables, and 8 syllables for the verses we were talking about. It required breaking up the phrase "go through" to achieve this.
The alternate I suggested had 8 syllables, and 7 syllables but allowed the flow of saying "go through" to be kept.
Once again, observe the lyrics of other songs....rhyme is not as critical as flow, especially when the two words are similar as "through" and "dildo" are....being they use two different pronunciations of the vowel "o".
And, FUCK YOU, Mr "everybody has politely pointed out" but "you should go back to school" hypocrite. Perhaps you should let it go, since you can't seem to understand the nuances of music and song writing.
You are arguing this just as a computer would try to.....completely missing that intangible quality which separates the human mind from a computer algorithm.
I think you just have a lot of trouble saying “go” and “through” separately. I had no problem, plenty of others seem to be doing fine as well
You’re certainly free to take artistic liberties with rhyme and meter, I’m not saying you can’t. But every version that was shared has the same rhyme structure and same meter. They were all consistent and flowed smoothly.
Yours doesn’t.
If you want to record yourself saying it out loud, go for it. But until then I don’t think anything that you type will change the fact that you’re version varies greatly from the others people shared, in that it’s awkwardly paced and doesn’t have the same structure as every other stanza shared.
Take care man. Learn from your mistakes. I’m not trying to say that to be a dick, I mean just use time to reflect and learn what people are trying to tell you. And probably how to say “go” without saying “through”