Some of the following thoughts will resonate with all of us; most of them will only apply to a few of us, but, no matter who has shut us out; siblings, nephews/nieces, in-laws, whomever it is – hear me out because I am hurting and desperately trying to just “hold on” for the sake of my grandchildren who, I pray I will get to hold again someday.

Some may stop reading where this no longer applies, and that's fine and dandy. Please don't be mean to me, though, I am grieving and this is my healing - writing.

For now, I am the excommunicated “nutcase” –“ fully certifiable” as a “goner, past rehabilitation.” But, you and I know differently. You and I hurt deeply; we are faithful to our belief in God being in control, and that fact brings the peace that passes all understanding. We also get judged for our outward acknowledgment of that inner peace, too. As if we are just too far gone to risk being invited to a picnic or Thanksgiving. Keep Standing. On our site here – we get reassurances on the Geo/Political/Financial levels, on the personal support level, and we sometimes even take a moment to type out a quick reply to let another Anon know that they are not alone. Those posts are needed, and very necessary. Sometimes, we don’t know how to say what is on our hearts because we fear that we are being to negative, or that we have forgotten that God wins. So, we remain silent, and maybe we just retired for the evening, or stay away from photo albums, drawings taped to the refrigerator reminding us that life is flying by – without us. Sometimes we never get dressed out of our PJs. Some of us wish once, just once they would call or email a quick, “Just a quick note to check on you, ma.” For those of us who were “red-pilled” before covid hit last year, the weeks turned in to months, and we wondered why even a terrible pandemic didn’t force the children we held in our arms so many nights could now care less. Now 18 months later, Mother’s Day, Birthdays, Christmas, etc., came and went and no one called, no cards, no text.

Keep Standing!

The very fact that we just cannot believe how this child could do this is no different than how Jesus must have felt – well, maybe that’s not a good comparison, yet, He did feel rejection and that is what this is. Rejection. Not only is it rejection of our touch, and we know for a hard fact that they loved our hugs, our scents, and our cooking – because- don’t forget now, they told us so in days past. The times that hurt the most are, of course, those times that you stumble across a picture, or hear some kid in Wal-Mart holler “Mom.” Last night was another one of those stumble-upon moments for me. I clicked on a FB post – Wait! What? My son was wearing a corsage with a pink shirt, shorts, bare feet, and a smile. To his left was a bride in a wedding dress also barefooted, beach sand, smiling friends gathered around – who? And another picture, a toddler – that was my son, no – that was the spitting image of my son. I am a grandmother… I needed to rush to my husband, instead, with knees that collapsed as I tried to stand, I slowly eased myself out of my office chair and onto the floor. My heart pounded and I sorrowfully wept…sobbing like a 16 year-old girl who lost her first boyfriend to the prettier popular girl. My mind flashed those memories like an old filmstrip projector from grade school – only faster. Kindergarten, little Ninja Turtle shoes, baby drool, first day of junior high school, the ugly pickle-face, Kindergarten sand box, muddy boy and dog, college graduation, losing his father just as we made it with only minutes before his last breath. I wondered if I had just experienced near-death. I could not control the film-strip. My life was going on without me – my youngest – my boy – my little missionary to Africa and China – on fire for the Lord in High School – the kid who called every Sunday just to say “Hi Ma.” Yeah, this hurts. I didn’t sleep much. The tears ran out around 5:30 and I stumbled to the coffee pot. “These are the times that try men’s’ souls.” Thanks for that voice in my head I thought to myself. This must be grief – that all too common emotional spiral; and I knew the drill.

KEEP STANDING.

I went through the routine – check the Wins of the Day. Try to read through fresh tears. Then just giving up, I tried to imagine what it might have been like to be there – to be bare foot in the same sand. To be in the pictures. To tell him that his Dad would have been proud. To see the red-faced newborn through the glass of the nursery window. Stolen. Never to be – I’ve been robbed. I have had a Mother’s Treasure completely annihilated and I never got to even open the gift. I thought back to the last conversation I had tried to have by phone. It had been January 18, his baby already a year old by then, but I had no idea he even existed. These are the lost volumes of my life that never were. “Hi son. I was expecting your voicemail, so glad you picked up.” “Look. Ma, I’m leaving CVS – shot got my vaccine. I really can’t talk.” “Oh okay.” My heart screamed, but I muttered, “I love you, but can we….” “Ma. I already told you; we are not having this conversation. Your ideologies are way off base, you’re just not a part of what I want in my life. I’m done.” I wanted to tell him that I had found a letter his father had written to him – it was in an old shoe box of Christmas ornaments from Germany – 1990 or so. I gave it a few months and tried again – this time by email:

“Mama here,

‘just not understanding what I have done that's so bad. I don't get a chance to understand your perception of what I may have done? so that I can defend myself?

I have not done anything to you since you granted me forgiveness for older trespasses.

Now - at this time in our lives -- is no time to turn on each other. Yet, I'd welcome even harsh words right now - it would be better than this excruciating silence.

I honestly have not done anything to deserve this -- so, why are you shutting me out? We can never get this time back.

Two days passed, then a response… I was eager and hesitant at the same time…

Hi Mom,

I believe that much of anything I would have to share would be countered and re-countered. There is no need to defend yourself.

But I cannot support your beliefs and involvement in harmful ideologies and organizations. I recognize that you will disagree with this, and that your belief and membership is of high value to you. Unfortunately, I cannot engage in those ideas or behaviors on an emotional and physical level. If I had known of your commitments to these ideals, stretching back to 2019, I would have reconsidered the two visits we shared last year.

And to be more specific -- even though you may not personally involve yourself in dangerous, violent behavior, you still openly share information that I consider intellectually and philosophically damaging. I recognize that you may strongly disagree with this as well. I also understand that you believe in what you support to be truthful and factual, so the merits of this or that will always be up for debate.

And debating would be an option for many things, but not all. Religion and politics and rights and wrongs -- sure, as always. But crossing over into what I consider to be conspiracy and ideological vigilantism is a hard line for me. It's not a matter of who deserves what. Choices have consequences, and we both bear those consequences.

You have people that support you and what you believe, and they have demonstrated that to you. In the moments in which you have referenced me and the beliefs or lack of beliefs I have, they have shared their support and empathy for you. You are part of a community that I have chosen to not be part of. I accept the blame and criticisms that come with that as part of my consequences.

Until your ideologies and the organization(s) you belong to are no longer classified as anti-government groups by the Southern Poverty Law Center and, by extension, potential militia extremists by the FBI, I'll be maintaining my stance.

I'm sorry,

I responded – maybe I shouldn’t have… but I did. I am not a member of any organization on these lists. As for ideologies, you're allowed to speak but I'm not? Okay. That means that you're holding me hostage to whatever you think I believe.

I believe your words were "We're not having this conversation." So, we have not had any conversations - you, therefore, have assumed a bunch.

Do you remember when the guys on the chartered bus chanted, "No n*****rs will ever be allowed in KDR?" Did I ever once condemn you for their behavior? Are there bad cops? yes. Are all cops bad? no. Bad Pastors, yes. Bad fathers, yes. Bad Firefighters, yes. Bad military? yes. We have known some good and some bad in all of those categories. I think what sets those bad ones apart from the good ones is motive: money, prestige, perhaps selfish pride. If I were to go on trial for any of those motives I don't think there would be any evidence to convict me.

What usually sets me off is injustice towards those who have no means to protect or defend themselves. i.e., unborn babies, children in abusive homes, and the likes of adults like me who have children who keep them from their grandchildren out of some spite or agenda. I used to have a way to dull the pain, but I do not harm myself like that anymore.

I mailed you a poem that your dad wrote to you. It made me smile and also weep a little. I cared enough to send that to you and also mail you a paper he had written. You couldn't even say thanks?

I don't hitch my wagon to anything that has no credence. Plus, I know a lot more than you do. But, again - we're not having that conversation.

Just because you don't care, or want to believe or understand doesn't make it go away.

I have had been hurt by the two most selfish and arrogant people I know. You, and my father.

And now you sit on your throne of self-righteous, arrogance - so certain that the world as you know it is really what it is -- it is not.

I would have thought that as a middle school teacher you’d be much more eager to learn that maybe you are wrong in your perceptions of what issues I am strongly supporting – I know that you are very wrong about me.

But perhaps you just hope you are which gives you some smug confidence that you are justified in your stance. Unfortunately for you - you ARE wrong but I don't have to defend myself - thanks solely to your decision. Your Mother

KEEP STANDING!

Mentally, I know I have enough in my life to go on with my life and be a fulfilled person. Emotionally, I am a wreck. I thank God for the valleys, though, because I still have that crazy peace deep inside.

The tears fall because I have been violated by theft of a part of my life I had anticipated ALL of my life. The weddings, the babies, yet, perhaps God granted me this continuous peace knowing that someone else might need to hear that they are not alone.

We should not be surprised. We have read it all our lives – right there in black and white, “The enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy.” John 10:10

Rejection hurts. I hurts bad. The one important thing that we always told our young children when THEY lost a friend applied back to us now – remember – it’s the same advice given to us when we were also kids: “Let them go for now, honey, there’s no need to continue to fight for the love, adoration or respect from someone who is not capable of giving it. It’s okay to cry for a little while, but don’t stay there too long.”

I think we are not divided into two sections – just good and evil – I think there’s a third dimension, too. Our family members have lost us too. In their minds and hearts WE were stolen from them. So, they are honestly grieving. Plus, grief cycles back through sometimes more than once – so there is that anger part – they fling the eff word left and right, they say “gd” and they spit hateful s**t at us – but hate is a passion. And the only other passion is love. How can two passions be on the opposite sides? It cannot. All passions are passions, so love and hate are basically on the same side.

KEEP STANDING.

So, there are anons – We The People – there are our family members they are also We The People – and angry. Thirdly – there is the scared, running for their lives, criminal, deep state people and their underlings. Mostly, I don’t think our friends and family pocket us in that third pocket. Honestly, when I come across a post that talks about a father or a mother who has started following Q, - they all talk the same way – that we are mental, that we are in a cult, that we are delusional, that we will not be moved, that we are dead set that we are right… and we are. We must be deranged they think – who else would pick “that Q stuff” over their own family? (That’s how THEY think)

We are not choosing Q over them – we are choosing Q because of them. We trust the WHOLE plan which is bigger than any of us.

The only enemy is Satan and his minions – they are not like us, they were never a part of us, they can never be us. Our family members – most of them – are not able to be converted at this point in time any more than the minions. But, we know what is coming. And we know that NCSWIC.

The best way to tell that God has granted you that same peace that we get when we are on HIS side and the side of right vs. wrong – it’s an easy test: Ask yourself this question – today, right now, (just like your family/friends already have over the past months/years)

If you had to choose The Plan; The Great Awakening; etc., or completely reject it (repeating - completely) – never talk about it again, never go to x22 report, or Wins of the Day, or anything Q whatsoever – would you be able to? Would you try? If it meant being able to have your old life back or even ever see your family again?

Some of us have tried. For me it was renouncing my faith in God. It was cold, lonely, and miserable.

I hope you see what I attempt to share. Yes, my heart is hemorrhaging deeply, if my emotions were a cut on my body I would be dead by now.

But, I trust and I pray that there are canyons between us and those who really do love us and that soon God will close up these gaps. He can make hearts new again for the first time. He is the Potter, we are the clay.

KEEP STANDING. But,… just step back and try to remain silent from this point forward. We need to be strong from here on out and, for me, these emotional setbacks are making me physically ill. I am going to try to be quiet and much as possible when it comes to family/friends from this point on. If they haven’t “gotten it” by now – well...

Let time heal what’s left of your tattered heart. Remain consistent. We can only SHOW people who we are from here on out.

I love this community and I love each of you for what you do to bring us to a better understanding of all the news we need to stay positive and workers of the LIGHT.