I am sorry you are hurting. We all are, in our own way, and that is not something I attribute to God. Suffering comes to us all, in our own way, because we are human, and because we have our unique perspective on the situation at hand and so we interpret things from our unique perspective. Life rolls on, and our loved ones pass, and we feel pain--but that pain is perceptible only because we truly loved, first. I hope you can let yourself grieve, and see it as the grieving process that we all go through, and simply invite God to grant you grace to understand how you are not part of the end, but rather part of someone else's future. Merry Christmas, and it's okay to long for your loved ones. They are there with you. I promise.