The US was rocked by a military and diplomatic earthquake on Monday after Chinese leaders revealed that the Middle Kingdom has constructed an N-bomb capable of reaching the mainland United States, and is prepared to use it.
“If America persists in imposing its imperialist designs on China and the Chinese people, then China will not hesitate to respond with immediate deployment of the N-bomb,” Xi Jinping said in a speech to the Communist Party Congress.
“America has built its entire foreign and domestic policy apparatus around never, ever allowing an N-bomb to be deployed,” said Harvard IR professor Michael Richards. “America has instituted draconian censorship rules, fired many of its most talented scientists and computer scientists, and erected a hugely costly and burdensome HR infrastructure, all for the sake of preventing N-bomb deployment. Now, China could ruin that in a day.”
The N-bomb’s effects are as unconventional as they are severe. When detonated in a mid-air burst, the N-bomb blasts out the “Hard R” N-word at a volume that can be heard hundreds of miles away. According to defense officials, the specific payload of the Chinese N-bomb is a clip of Randy Marsh saying the N-word in South Park, hearable at a range of of 275 miles.