What he probably MEANT, but dared not to say (or even admit to himself) was the "kind of man I HAVE TO APPEAR OR PRETEND to be (in order to trick/delude/fool others into getting the money, position, influence, power, respect and adoration I so desperately want and need in order to be able to feel anything more than loathing for my despicable self)".
What he probably MEANT, but dared not to say (or even admit to himself) was the "kind of man I HAVE TO APPEAR OR PRETEND to be (in order to trick/delude/fool others into getting the money, position, influence, power, respect and adoration I so desperately want and need in order to be able to feel anything more than loathing for my despicable self)".