Hmm... Wonder what's up with this.
(media.greatawakening.win)
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What he probably MEANT, but dared not to say (or even admit to himself) was the "kind of man I HAVE TO APPEAR OR PRETEND to be (in order to trick/delude/fool others into getting the money, position, influence, power, respect and adoration I so desperately want and need in order to be able to feel anything more than loathing for my despicable self)".