Welp, I'm dragging my rusty old bicycle out of the shed and fixin' it up. Gas prices going too high, so I figure I should get into shape before I can't afford it anymore and need to run to the store on old-reliable. Any advice on how to not get myself killed on the road? - The Great Awakening

Welp, I'm dragging my rusty old bicycle out of the shed and fixin' it up. Gas prices going too high, so I figure I should get into shape before I can't afford it anymore and need to run to the store on old-reliable. Any advice on how to not get myself killed on the road? 🐴 SHITPOST 💩

posted 2 years ago by sleepydude 2 years ago by sleepydude +80 / -0

What biking advice do you have?

How rusty is too rusty? Does a rusted-all-to-hell bike deter the bike thieves? Is it actually a positive?
How do you keep your balls from jiggling around? My left nut is about double the size of a normal testicle because it was undescended as a kid and I had to get it plucked out like an in-grown tooth. In other words, I'm not a fan of jock-straps.
Are elbow and knee pads worth the discomfort and sweat-rash?
Do those hoards of bicyclists actually go into the woods to have big-gay orgies? I've had a family friend confirm his relative does that, mind you.
How do you manage to not look gay riding a bicycle? I'm never wearing one of those "sponsored" tight-fitting bike uniforms. I'm not Lance Armstrong, and even if I was he's still a faggy cheater.
I got a stream-lined backpack for emergency water. Should I bring a gun with me for "other" emergencies?
Are scooters gay? Are skateboards still cool? Which does the least harm to your lower back?
I always move off to the side and let cars pass. Is this safer or more dangerous? I don't wanna be a jerk and force someone to pass me when I'm the one going 5-10 miles an hour and they gotta take a shit really bad.
Does biking help reduce belly-fat? I don't drink, but I've had a beer-belly since 8th grade. I'm not fat, I can lift a whole fridge, except I look pregnant. Will biking help me shed the midriff?
Since sun-screen is known to be carcinogenic (likely on purpose) what's the over-under on alternatives? I have some methylene blue which is used in super-expensive sun-screens that don't have asbestos in them, but I don't wanna risk dying my skin blue.
My head gets really itchy from the helmet. Is a shaved head better or worse? How do you manage the itching in that bastard?
Seriously, though. Do bicyclists have gay orgies in the woods? They always creep me out because I live out in the boonies. I don't wanna wake up and find out they sniffed my bike out and are humping around it like a pack of jack rabbits in heat. Is there an anti-gay-orgy-bicyclist repellent I can spray around my shed?

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– probablyacoincidence 2 points 2 years ago +2 / -0

You need wierd spiked shoes that sort of match but really serve any purpose, but hey at least when you clack around people will know you are gay....i mean ride a bike.

You can also get some random tight shirt to hold in your man( or lady) boobs so you can look snazzy and be more aerodynamic (sort of) while looking gay.

You can get a pair of tight pants that arent really shorts and arent really pants but are super tight and crush your nuts while you ride, but at least your ass will be accentuated for the guy riding behind you to appreciate.

You can also ride 3 or 4 across at half the speed of traffic and get pissed when cars come up behind you and cant safely pass while you obliviously block the road while discussing your next orgy with the fellas on saturday night at blazing saddles.

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