"not long-lasting intrinsic value as money."

All of the materials you listed in the preceding sentence were used or are still being used, as money (or currency). "Money" is merely a physical medium with perceived value used to conduct transactions. What you should have said was, some materials are better suited to be used as money than other materials, because that's what you continue on to argue.

The 5 properties you listed are all reasonable attributes that some would expect to look for to trust that material as a form of currency. However, some of your assertions and assumptions are not exactly on par. First, you assume that "gold" is rare. Is it? Humans keep finding it, despite all these years of mining. If you truly wanted to keep it rare and stop the value from fluctuating, mining should cease, or be banned, right? You think that mining crypto is easy and cheap? You must really not understand much about the crypto mining process. Easy to work with? Crypto doesn't even require smelting or smithing, making it far easier to "work with" than physical metals (might want to rethink this property as being a good attribute). Fungible? Quite in the contrary... sound money should be non-fungible, as in, not easy to reproduce or alter its nature, or copy (counterfeit). You should really do some more research on blockchain technology. Actually, not even going to hit on the last two pounts, as it's evident you don't understand much about digital currency (or "crypto"). Just here peddling... https://youtu.be/sr0gNJ090JA

"There's a reason government vaults are full of gold..."

They are? How do you know? You seen it? Touched it? Bit into it? You just THINK it's there. You BELIEVE it's there.

https://youtu.be/DZqy4RdfGDE

"printing paper fiat like there's no tomorrow"

Yes. This is a massive problem and the ultimate cause behind inflation... hits on that issue of fungibleness and reproducibility.

"Oh, and I can touch my gold any time I like"

And I can touch my dick any time I like... doesn't mean that anyone else is also going to want to touch it as a means of transaction for goods and services 😜

You're still missing the point of this entire thought exercise. What is money, actually? It's what people collectively decide it is. If 70% of the world woke up tomorrow and decided that our ancestors were idiots for using shiny metal objects as currency, just like using seashells, beans, sticks or tulips were eventually declared stupid forms of currency, then what of your gold and silver? The point is that there's something far, far more essential when it comes to currency than the physical nature or attributes of the proposed material.

Regardless of the physical object, the value of all money, all currency, is dependent on psychology. The mere idea behind crypto is currently up-ending the long established accepted views towards currency, financial institutions and monetary policies. And that's why it poses such a threat to those in control of it all, and who have been for the all of history. Don't take this as financial advice. You clearly love your metals because "they've always been used". Not saying that's not a good reason to trust metals. But it's not a great reason to doubt digital currency, which has already taken over the developed world for the past 10-15 years. "Crypto" or rather the blockchain tech behind it, is just an essential security upgrade in the evolution of digital currency. It's not going to be stopped.