I’m going through the hardest time of my life. Many of you already know that I am a minister. First and foremost I am a dad. My kids mean the world to me. I’ve enjoyed 40 years and now it’s their turn to enjoy their lives. My marriage has been in dire straits for a long time. I realize that I am unequally yolked. Prior to marriage I was an addict. So was my wife. When my son was born, I was higher than the space station. It’s something that has eaten at me ever since. But 5 years ago I gave my life to ministry. God helped pull me out of a lifestyle that was headed to the grave or prison. In the first year of ministry my wife came out to me that she had cheated on me many times. It crushed me, but I loved this woman and I wanted to be successful so I forgave her. I thought it was the Christian thing to do. Plus I didn’t want to split my family up and allow my kids to go through some of the horrors that I did as a kid. We have 3 boys. The two oldest are not mine but I have raised them from 2-4 years old. They are now 13-16 and my son is 8. I look at those two boys as mine. My wife is an alcoholic. Not to mention the last time she was in a rehab hospital they put her on all kinds of psychotropic drugs that have made her unbearable to be around. She still is addicted to drugs and sometimes she will lash out at the kids due to the fact that she has no control over her emotions, attitude, or mouth. Especially when she is drinking. I have wanted to leave for over 3 years now but I fear that if I do, I won’t be able to protect my kids from her or whoever she might bring them around. Well, last week at 11pm she decided to go drive to the store to get something to eat and some more beer. Before I fell asleep she had already been drinking 10% Smirnoff fruity drinks. I was dozing off when she walked out the door and I thought to myself, “I hope she gets pulled over” then I realized she was taking the 13 year old with her. I said a prayer and asked god to keep him safe. What happens next is the reason for this post. I am at wits end. She has left me broke. My van is sitting in impound and my kids life has been turned upside down. That night at 1:30am I get a call waking me up from a gas station attendant telling me that I need to come get my son and wife, that she was too drunk to drive and she had him driving her around. I jump up throw my clothes on and I’m gone asap. I get halfway there and she calls me the king me that I need to hurry because the cops are there and she’s going to jail. Well she called her dad too. That was her biggest mistake because her dad has told me many times that I need to divorce her and take the kids. Well he has taken my 13 year old son and is trying to get custody. I am okay with it because I know he is safe but it has split the kids up. He is pissed. I do not blame him. Who has their 13 year old drive on the interstate after midnight to buy beer? I do not have legal custody of my stepsons. They get money from their deceased father and if I were to adopt them they would loose it. So my wife goes to jail and tells me to come get her the next morning. I bring the debit card and go to pick her up and the card get declined. She blew all of our savings. Y’all I am broke, raising two kids that are confused about the whole situation and my van is impounded I am struggling to pay the bills and currently she is 4 hours away in a rehab for 60 days. She said “please don’t divorce me while I’m in this rehab”. Little does she know when she gets back Ill have papers for her to sign. I’m trying to work my way out of a hole but seriously my wife ruined me. Financially, spiritually, emotionally, and I have lost all of my joy. Not to mention my work truck broke down on me the same week. I am self employeed. Without my truck it makes it hard to work and I have had to step up and play super dad. The kids are good. They don’t know about the weight that is on my shoulders but I am scared. The taxes on my home are due and they are threatening taking my house. TheGr8🎃
🙏🧎Patriots I need help, encouragement, and prayer! 🙏🧎
🧘Mental/Physical Health 🏋🏼♂️
Agree here with the "do NOT bail out" advice. As someone who worked with addicts, I can tell you with certainty that your wife is where she needs to be by the hand of God - in rehab. Most prisons if not all have detox and rehab, which is my background. Some people cheat the outpatient system and never benefit. People say it "doesn't work" lulz - certainly not when people do not work it. So lock and key is the ONLY option. The addict MUST go to prison/jail. They legit dry out and that is the only time they start to have common sense again. It takes time too.
Most pros who work with addicts don't even interact with them seriously until FOUR weeks dried out in lock down. It takes that long for the liver to filter out the ETOH/drugs and the mind to heal/rebalance. You are wasting your time talking to them if they are not four weeks post arrest. So do NOT bail this woman out if you love her.
You're hurting because you tried to give an addict too much trust and got burned. So learn from this. You can't give car keys to a drunk. You can't let them watch kids. Or you'll be left with the drained savings, impounded car, and other costs, kids taken by the system etc. So please fren, do not hire her a lawyer, let the public defender do it. Let her sort out herself.
You can still love her, still be there for her, but you have to draw the line. Is that separation, quite possibly. You can still reconcile if she succeeds in sobriety also. She needed this, fren. This is God's doing to save her life and the kids. She was out of control and going to end up dead, maybe taking a kid or two with her. I've seen that too. So do not enable her to drive without full total sobriety. Not sober = no keys. If you live in a good state they'll take her license.
She'll be unhappy about this and let you know it. Let it roll off your back. Listen but tell her your hard bright line is that she gets and stays sober. The rock bottom of the addict is always far too low for the rest of us to consider, but love is letting someone grow up and be an adult by hitting that rock bottom. Let their bad decisions fully hit them. Don't lighten her load at your expense. Put you and kiddos first. This pain she feels will motivate her to work her program. This is the way. You're on the right track. I recommend AlAnon for family members, even the kids - find a group in your area. They're a Godsend to many all in that same boat. It's easy for us to advise but it is hard to change old assumptions. It's hard to fight that urge to rescue. It will kill her unless you let her fail fully. Do not rescue her which is what you've been doing at the expense of yourself and the kids. You are using a measuring stick of someone who is sober, a well meaning but deadly error. You hope for it so you act as if it were so. It is hard to change that but the only way to truly save the addict from themselves. This is the meaning of the phrase killing with kindness. She'll die if you don't get tough with her and set standards that can't be broken.
You'll be changing just like she is. You'll be where your FiL is where he realizes enabling has not worked - just the reverse. AlAnon is a way to get support for those tough decisions to put limits on the addict, which is critical to their recovery. Most addicts are spoiled children, let's face it. The world coddles them and they take advantage of it. This is the disease. When they have to own their decisions, they finally grow up. God is a huge part of this but so is treatment such as topiramate and wellbutrin or naloxone etc. It jump starts shaving the edge off the cravings. But the rest is choosing to do right and restoring a mauled morality, both individual and family. That can only happen if you let her fully experience consequences. You do have my prayers and know that you are over the worst of it. Hope that helps.