maybe this is Qs suicide reference. while I felt defeated and ashamed of myself for not knowing any better when I started to really awaken 7 years ago, i can take some comfort in hindsight that there was no one around me trying to convince me that we were all about to be run over by a train operated by a cabal of evil people. if i instead awakened at this point in time with so many people so consistently trying to awaken me, I can't imagine how awful I'd feel