I’ve had this underlying level of stress and apathy going on for a long time now. I’m turing 30 this year and I have no meaningful signs of success someone my age should have by now. Despite being told by family and a few acquaintances that I’m “good people”, a “genuine kind/old soul”, or “very wise for my age” and how smart I am; I have no serious relationships with either friends nor any partners. Almost nobody ever calls or texts me for anything, and I’m the one who always has to set up meetings that almost never happen anyways. My own fucking sister never speaks to me or our dad. I can’t ever seem to hold down a job for very long. I’m lucky to hold a job for a year, let alone 6 months. The endless cycle of finding a job, stressing to adapt and keep that job, losing that job and feeling worthlessness for months, only to start the cycle again has been exhausting. I have dreams and aspirations I want to pursue, but I don’t ever have the focus, energy, discipline, or motivation to stick to them and it drives me crazy. I try to find some kind of joy in my relative isolation and lonerism, but it feels like it’s less of a choice and more of a personal obstacle that keeps me from making real connections with others. People hover around me for a while, than they just disappear and never reach out again unless they can get something out of it from me. I’m just tired now, emotionally and mentally so, and deeply terrified that my life will be like this bazaar existential hell forever, where I don’t really fit in anywhere with anyone, my wants and dreams will always remain in a mist, and I’ll be alone forever in a world that’s only growing more ugly and alienating every year.