I don't drink often, but when I do I get ridiculously drunk, I become a monster. Im surrounded by some of the best people in the world, but I always end up doing or saying something i can hardly deal with the next day, aside from that, they are more than forgiving. I just recently had a bout of this for my birthday. I generally think this is because I bottle my feelings and the only way I know how to release them is by blacking out and throwing a temper tantrum or sobbing. Its crazy because I'm a grown man. I hate it, i actually hate it. Its like I never grew up, a child stuck in an aging body. I tell myself it wont happen again. Then after months i go out for a beer or a drink and wake up embarrassed seeing flashes of this animal mixed with absolutely nothingness. Wondering what i did or said. While not really wanting to know. If any of you are dealing with this or have, what helped? I dont mind if you Share some embarrassing moments you've dealt with or just how to deal with it. Thanks, this place is the only place I know to ask because I don't have anyone else to talk too.
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I'd suggest looking for any traumatic events in your life, esp. surrounding people who drank or who embarrassed you or shut you down because of your feelings. You may not recall it immediately, but your body remembers it every time you drink (and through alcohol, lose control).
This suggests you're burying something: "I hate it, i actually hate it. Its like I never grew up, a child stuck in an aging body. I tell myself it wont happen again. Then after months i go out for a beer or a drink and wake up embarrassed seeing flashes of this animal mixed with absolutely nothingness. Wondering what i did or said. While not really wanting to know."
It seems like you're trying to block something that is a part of your experience - it's living - and living things don't stay buried for long. Much as you don't want to look at it, you have to do it to get control of it. Otherwise, it'll stay stuffed down and control you.
I pray that God grants you the spiritual wisdom you need to figure this out so you can be free of it. May His peace be yours, fren.
The scary thing is, I know what the trauma is. Just have zero idea on how to go about it. Even if I talk about it it will always be with me. I don't know how therapy helps because letting it out is a minor relief to something that always comes back. Truly thank you for your response and maybe it is something I will have to learn to deal with in other ways, drinking only makes it worse for sure, and if I keep this up, i will lose the only people that truly care for me.
EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapy is very effective for trauma, but it needs to be in person (no online sessions). I encourage you to do all you can to find a good therapist - the best you can afford - who uses it, and give it a try. A good therapist will work with you and not waste your money or time. I really think it might be helpful to you. Maybe one of those caring people you have around you knows someone (who knows someone...). Whatever it is is part of your experience, but you do not have to let it control you (and it does whether you are conscious of it or not, unless you put it in its place). I hope this helps, fren.
"EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapy." Absolutely worked for me. I searched for a qualified therapist that used this method. I had been in traditional talk therapy off and on for many years with limited success. I was amazed at how fast I was able process a given traumatic event. It's like defragging your hard drive (brain).
You're able to move the trauma to where it should have gone in your memory, thus making the traumatic event an unpleasant, unhappy memory instead of the memory that causes you to ruminate, with a never ending replay of the trauma. It was not a cure-all for me though. Forgiveness of the ones that caused the issue was the key to letting go completely.
Forgiveness is for the forgiver. I didn't forget the perpetrator nor what they did to me. I've had to forgive that person many times on certain memories. I have learned what Jesus meant when asked, "how many times should I forgive my brother? Jesus' reply was 70 x 7." This act keeps them from living rent free in your head. I also learned that if I needed to, these people were removed from my life by going no contact.
Such great advice...forgiveness is key to healing trauma. Wish I had that wisdom instead of having to learn it through trial and error. Thank you; I sincerely hope OP sees your comment.
I wasn't digging how my screen is so messed up when the updates come. So I picked up a Constitution and started reading....