I was just in my local Target buying some Bud Light and a tuck friendly bathing suit for my weekly gender reveal party that was happening later that evening, when some MAGA bigots and Q Qlux Qlan members literally tried to lynch me for still wearing a mask!!
I was just humbly and quietly going about my day, just trying to live my life, adhering to the strict guidelines set out by my multiple restraining orders whilst enjoying the soft, gentle breeze on my exposed buttocks as I wandered around Target in an assless fur suit, when all of a sudden an extremely tiny yet highly dangerous fringe-minority of MAGA Trumper Qanoner bigots flooded the otherwise empty absolutely bustling store. Myself and several other masked shoppers scurried towards the relative safety of the LGBTQIAP+++ kids clothing section, which had been bravely left up by the staff in defiance of the Far Right and their attempt to cancel Target and literally genocide trans folx.
Alas, I was the only one to make it to safety, as the cast from Deliverance rounded up all of my allies and set about misgendering them and forcibly ripping their masks off, exposing their naked, pock-marked faces to the COVID microdroplets in the air. The evil Republicunts then started firing their six shooters and blunderbusses at crates of Bud Light, whilst a faction of them hooked up their tow truck to a 5G tower outside in an attempt to pull it down. I was literally shaking. One of them even cried out "this is MAGA Target" as he set about stamping on and flattening some Globes that were on display.
I was hyperventilating into my pup hood at this point. I was surrounded by actual terrorists. I felt like John McClane from Die Hard, especially since I was recently diagnosed with dementia (my doctor assures me this is completely normal for a 27 year old, and has nothing to do with all the boosters I've taken). I attempted to fashion some crude defensive weapons out of the chest binders and tuck-friendly pants that I was nestled and trembling between. I managed to MacGyver myself a flimsy, elasticy, queer friendly cock-slingshot, but it would be no match for their AR-15s and muskets.
I decided "fuck it" and bolted it for the door, Naruto-Sonic style. I was almost at the exit, huffing "gotta go fast!" into my N95 as "Escape From The City" played in my head, when the Orange Satan himself appeared amid a torrent of flames, clawing his way out of a pentagram on the floor. He cackled and fired off a Hitler salute with his cloven hoof as his brainwashed followers descended upon me. I squealed like an absolute badass as they tore my pup hood and N95 off. ***** licked his orange lips and bent me over a crate of Bud Light: "I'm gonna fuck you like I fucked Our Democracy on Jan 6th."
HE ACTUALLY SAID IT, YOU GUYS, OMG YOU'VE GOT TO BELIEVE ME. As he and his Proud Boys lubed themselves up and got ready to deflower me, the Evil Cheeto smirked and posted a "plea" to his followers on Truth Social to refrain from acts of sexual violence. I turned away from his nasty gaze and sought solace in the smiling face of Dylan Mulvaney staring up at me from the crate of Bud Light I was bent over. I was just going to pretend I was kneeling for her. I'm Drew Barrymore, I'm Drew Barrymore, I cried to myself in my head as Drumpf whispered anti-vax conspiracy theories in my ear. All hope was lost...
AND THAT'S WHEN THE GREATEST PRESIDENT WHO EVER LIVED AND EVER WILL JOE MOTHERFUCKIN' BIDEN DESCENDED FROM THE HEAVENS ON AN INVISIBLE JETPACK. "Let go of xem, Jack," Biden bellow-whispered with nary a stutter or awkward pause. He flew around the store, firing laser beams from his eyes at the Trumpers and licking all the ice cream as the rest of his cabinet arrived behind him, literally unable to catch up with him due to Joe being in his absolute prime and being full of youthful energy. I've never seen such a physically and mentally fit individual. Orange Satan and his goons were no match for him. With the combined strength of Atlas, Superman and Hercules, Biden gathered all of the lynch mob and threw them directly into the Sun.
"How's that for climate change, fat?" Biden quipped as a pitiful puff of orange smoke went up on the surface of the Sun. The entire World - nay, Universe - clapped, and we all went for boosters and ice cream afterwards! Yum
Here's the copypasta:
In r/CoronavirusCirclejerk
I was just in my local Target buying some Bud Light and a tuck friendly bathing suit for my weekly gender reveal party that was happening later that evening, when some MAGA bigots and Q Qlux Qlan members literally tried to lynch me for still wearing a mask!! I was just humbly and quietly going about my day, just trying to live my life, adhering to the strict guidelines set out by my multiple restraining orders whilst enjoying the soft, gentle breeze on my exposed buttocks as I wandered around Target in an assless fur suit, when all of a sudden an extremely tiny yet highly dangerous fringe-minority of MAGA Trumper Qanoner bigots flooded the otherwise empty absolutely bustling store. Myself and several other masked shoppers scurried towards the relative safety of the LGBTQIAP+++ kids clothing section, which had been bravely left up by the staff in defiance of the Far Right and their attempt to cancel Target and literally genocide trans folx.
Alas, I was the only one to make it to safety, as the cast from Deliverance rounded up all of my allies and set about misgendering them and forcibly ripping their masks off, exposing their naked, pock-marked faces to the COVID microdroplets in the air. The evil Republicunts then started firing their six shooters and blunderbusses at crates of Bud Light, whilst a faction of them hooked up their tow truck to a 5G tower outside in an attempt to pull it down. I was literally shaking. One of them even cried out "this is MAGA Target" as he set about stamping on and flattening some Globes that were on display.
I was hyperventilating into my pup hood at this point. I was surrounded by actual terrorists. I felt like John McClane from Die Hard, especially since I was recently diagnosed with dementia (my doctor assures me this is completely normal for a 27 year old, and has nothing to do with all the boosters I've taken). I attempted to fashion some crude defensive weapons out of the chest binders and tuck-friendly pants that I was nestled and trembling between. I managed to MacGyver myself a flimsy, elasticy, queer friendly cock-slingshot, but it would be no match for their AR-15s and muskets.
I decided "fuck it" and bolted it for the door, Naruto-Sonic style. I was almost at the exit, huffing "gotta go fast!" into my N95 as "Escape From The City" played in my head, when the Orange Satan himself appeared amid a torrent of flames, clawing his way out of a pentagram on the floor. He cackled and fired off a Hitler salute with his cloven hoof as his brainwashed followers descended upon me. I squealed like an absolute badass as they tore my pup hood and N95 off. ***** licked his orange lips and bent me over a crate of Bud Light: "I'm gonna fuck you like I fucked Our Democracy on Jan 6th."
HE ACTUALLY SAID IT, YOU GUYS, OMG YOU'VE GOT TO BELIEVE ME. As he and his Proud Boys lubed themselves up and got ready to deflower me, the Evil Cheeto smirked and posted a "plea" to his followers on Truth Social to refrain from acts of sexual violence. I turned away from his nasty gaze and sought solace in the smiling face of Dylan Mulvaney staring up at me from the crate of Bud Light I was bent over. I was just going to pretend I was kneeling for her. I'm Drew Barrymore, I'm Drew Barrymore, I cried to myself in my head as Drumpf whispered anti-vax conspiracy theories in my ear. All hope was lost...
AND THAT'S WHEN THE GREATEST PRESIDENT WHO EVER LIVED AND EVER WILL JOE MOTHERFUCKIN' BIDEN DESCENDED FROM THE HEAVENS ON AN INVISIBLE JETPACK. "Let go of xem, Jack," Biden bellow-whispered with nary a stutter or awkward pause. He flew around the store, firing laser beams from his eyes at the Trumpers and licking all the ice cream as the rest of his cabinet arrived behind him, literally unable to catch up with him due to Joe being in his absolute prime and being full of youthful energy. I've never seen such a physically and mentally fit individual. Orange Satan and his goons were no match for him. With the combined strength of Atlas, Superman and Hercules, Biden gathered all of the lynch mob and threw them directly into the Sun.
"How's that for climate change, fat?" Biden quipped as a pitiful puff of orange smoke went up on the surface of the Sun. The entire World - nay, Universe - clapped, and we all went for boosters and ice cream afterwards! Yum
This might be the best thing I've ever read. Hilarious. Reading it for a 3rd time now because I know I missed something. LOL!
I think I'll read it again too.
Thank you for the copycast
Frickin' CLASSIC. I am asking the mods for a sticky. Definitely wins the internet today. Nothing will top this.
So many great quotes, like this one:
''I squealed like an absolute badass as they tore my pup hood and N95 off''
I wonder if he stole any luggage. LOL
wow, what a refreshing sub
LMAO
Credit for finding this goes to my wife who likes to browse this r/CoronavirusCirclejerk in the morning.
Forward a big thanks to your wife from us.
Wow, that is comedy gold right there.
Now that was funny!
weekly gender reveal 🤣😅😆