If I lived in a different century I would have been a monk. I don't like life. Or rather, I don't like the kind of life I'm expected to have. Life itself is beautiful, but I hate that I have to experience it as a human being bogged down with all sorts of irrelevant responsibilities and obligations. It feels like 90% of life is just being distracted from the greater parts of existence.
I don't really care about being successful or advancing my ego. Life is too short and too temporary to get any satisfaction from that. What I want is to just be. Part of me feels attracted to death for that reason. "Duty is heavier than a mountain; death is lighter than a feather." It's something that crosses my mind a lot. Not out of depression or desperation, but out of a desire for peace.
I feel the presence of God in those quiet moments that could have been experienced in any time. Walking through a forest, watching the sunrise at the beach, gazing at the moon and stars. I just want to be at peace. I have a very good life and have been blessed with many things. But the only thing I really want is peace.
I have always needed a lot of time just to be. It's how I'm wired. It took several steps to remove myself from the rat race, but I did. It helps to have a spouse, but some have done it alone. We don't interact with a lot of people outside our little family. A huge part of it was just physically moving to a more remote area. God will open a door if you ask him. The three big factors in life: where you live, what you do, who you're with. We all have free will. You can make changes. Remember, pain is an impetus for change , so the pain you're feeling is only bad until you recognize that it moves you to act. God bless you.