I am sitting at my kitchen table crying. Not the crying of something sad. The type of crying that shatters your soul.
I reach out to you because you are anons. You don’t know me, and most likely never will.
The Great Awakening has not only opened my eyes to the utter evils that humankind has endured for thousands of generations, but it has also opened my eyes to the evil of SELF.
I am going through some serious self reflection. On the outside I appear like I should. On the inside….
Are my sins. My sins of thoughts, actions, lying, cheating. Always thinking I am a good person, but I’m not.
I stole 50 cent pieces from my dad’s dresser and rode my bike to the candy store when I was young. I stole a caramel from the grocery store when I was 4. I ripped tulips out of someone’s garden so I could give them to my mom. I rode on the back of a motorcycle at 15 going so fast I thought “what if I were to die right now?” Found out later the driver was drunk. My mom called the police when she found out I was on the bike. (They picked me up)
I lost my virginity at 18 to a narcissist and it has been downhill personally ever since. I gave myself to him because I thought we would be married. We weren’t.
I married a broken man because broken men made me feel better about myself. If I loved them enough, cooked beautiful meals for them, strive to be perfect, they would become whole.
I start something. I get excited and if I screw up or something else captures my attention, I quit. My intentions are always pure, but the self loathing I feel not fulfilling my intentions is gross.
I don’t even know who I really am. A full blown sinner I can tell you that much. I imagine Christ next to me. Sitting with me now. Forgiving me. Having mercy on me. I don’t feel it.
There is more I could tell you. My skeletons. I have too much shame to even say to you.
Maybe this is true repentance. The crumbling of ego.
I am sorry for everything I have done that wasn’t good and whole. So very sorry.
My dear, you have made a huge step forward by admitting this. There was a girl I dated a short while in college who had a boyfriend she tried to keep a secret. When I found out, at first she denied it, then admitted that she was dysfunctional. The other guy was pathetic, and she felt like he needed her more than I did. Like it was a charity mission. I gave her chance after chance, but I gave up on her. Many girls go down this path, unfortunately.
My sister also married a broken man, thinking "he needs me, and I can help him." He was a former Satanist and a recovering drug addict, and was incredulous why my parents were not happy about her relationship with him. She shacked up with him and was $20k in debt within the first year, and debt collectors as well as repo men were at our house looking for her because she wasn't making payments. My parents truthfully told them that they did not know where she was. They lived together for years but when I became engaged, she forced him to finally marry her because she was competitive and did not want her younger brother to get married before she did, so they eloped at a court house and did not invite anybody. It's been over two decades and I never ask her if he's working or not, because he probably isn't. She was warned by other girls who had him figured out, telling her that he's just a leech. She married him anyway.
She is still in denial. When I confronted her last year about the path she took, she blamed it all on our parents for not going to a church she wanted to attend. That was her excuse to throw away her morality. She refuses to admit it wrongdoing.
If only my sister could advance as you have. Repentance is what God wants from you. From all of us. God bless you. Find a counselor like others have suggested.