I am honestly not certain where to post this. This is very lengthy. Please do not jump on this post to belittle me - I've sincerely had enough pain over the years. I’m a very private person, and this is really doxxing my life by getting into these stories that I am about to share. But I am sincerely at a point that I don’t know where else to go, what else to do, or who else to talk to. I know this is not a forum designed for counseling or assistance but I am at the bottom mentally, emotionally, financially, and physically. And I don’t know how to get up again. (And I say physically, because the stress of everything has had me lose nearly 40 lbs of weight).

In all ways, I am in between a rock and a hard place. I see no way out and no path to any type of future.

So… here goes my story.

One evening, my wife and I were lying in bed. She told me I was her soul mate and she could never ask for anyone else on this planet. It was literally about one week later, which was exactly 15 months ago, that she randomly came to me and said “I’m not in love with you anymore, I want a divorce.” My mind was in such a complete shock that I don’t even know how to describe the process it was going through to attempt to comprehend what in the world possibly happened to change things. For months and months I rode my bicycle just to get away and cry to myself not just from the pain of it but from the 'not knowing' part.

So, the simple solution here would be for her to move out. She refused to move out, even up unto this day, she will not move out. I got in contact with an attorney, and he advised me that she should be the one leaving. Unfortunately our finances do not allow for either of us to go anywhere or do anything. (and I say she refuses because I mean that, in a sense, she has friends she could live with. They are not in the same city, but she does have good friends that she's known for decades).

I battled this so hard and was unable to ever get an answer from her as to what happened to our 10+ years of marriage and what made her choose this path. “I’m not happy anymore”, “it is what it is”, “what do you want me to do about it,” “I can’t change how I feel”, are the responses I got. I felt, and still feel, crushed.

Over the course of nearly a year I worked on trying to fix anything and everything - trying to identify any problems, trying my best to rekindle things, and, for a very brief moment, she said we’d “see what happens.”

About four months ago she randomly came to me again and this time said we needed to be in separate rooms.

I sincerely feel like I am being emotionally and psychologically tortured. I have to see her every day and still have conversations about her schooling, what she’s doing in life, etc., but somehow separate in my mind that we are just ‘friends’ at this point. I have seen no one else - nor has she (to the best of my knowledge). About once every few weeks, she’ll attempt to have a blow out argument with me over things that make no sense - like if a fork was left on a counter, or if I did something that, in her mind, wasn’t right. I say attempt because I refuse to give my energy to any of it. I just can't. I have to keep things peaceful for my child.

I feel like I am literally in purgatory and that I cannot ever escape, as if I'm in a black hole that has sucked me up and will not allow me to leave.

My interest is ensuring that my daughter is not wound up in all of this. At the end of the day, she sees and hears things and wonders if Mom and Dad are going to make things work; it’s not fair to her to have to go through this. I spend a lot of extra time trying reading her scriptures about love, happiness - overall trying to give her a solid, positive environment. All the while, ya'll, I am slowly turning to dust.

I sent my wife a text that, if it was typed on word, must have been at least 3-4 pages long. She gave me no response - the underlying message was that I needed to know what we were doing so that we could begin moving on with our lives and determining what the future would look like, custody, etc. I approached her and asked her the next day and she said “How do you want me to reply?” To which I asked her if this was what she was wanting. All I got was a “…yeah.” So, after 15 months, I finally decided it was time to go ahead and file the paperwork. Yet I sit here wondering what that’s even going to do - I can’t afford to file it and, even after I file it, we’re still here - stuck in some weird limbo/purgatory.

To compound all of this, I work one full time job and one part time job and still just barely make the ends meet. And I am just continuing to push and push for my daughter. I am constantly putting off one bill to pay another - fronting my current paycheck to pay a bill that was due two weeks ago, etc. We have one car and it was purchased when the used car market was sky high - so now we’re ridiculously upside down on it and there’s no way out of that. Even if one of us could move, the other one of us does not have transportation.

We have sold nearly everything we own (as we moved into a furnished house), outside of a couch, a dining table, our computers, a few random miscellaneous things. I am now really starting to believe the "you will own nothing" phrase.

I cannot afford to leave. I do not see any situation that would ever grant me the ability to afford to leave because I am working so hard just to pay the bills we currently have. I have no resources at my disposal. None. I found a little 600 square foot place that I figured my daughter and I could move to but I can't a) cover the move-in costs, b) ensure that my spouse has somewhere to go, and c) I don’t meet the requirements due to income levels, anyways.

I thought about just renting a room somewhere - and literally the only rooms I can find for rent are 2 hours away from my daughter’s school. She suffers from autism and I absolutely cannot pull her out of the school she’s in. I need to stay living in the same area to ensure she has the education that will allow her to succeed in this life.

To add to all of this, throughout the last four years, we've had six deaths in our family and I think the its really taken its toll on both of us.

And now, my only friend, who told me I didn’t even need friends because she’d never hurt me and always be the one to be there for me, doesn’t want to be around me anymore.

I literally do not know how much more gas is left in my tank, y’all.

Ultimately, I’ve determined we need to pay off the current vehicle, or at least get us out of it, have a second mode of transportation, file the divorce, and ensure that we each have a place to live while we raise our daughter - even if it’s just a small 300-500 square foot space. I don’t care.

If anyone has any coping techniques, skills, suggestions, or just anything, that would be sincerely appreciated. I went to one of our local churches who informed me they had events on Wednesday evenings and I can’t make time to go because I’m at work during those times. I literally cried in front of the Pastor and the most he could tell me was "I'm sorry - maybe you could attend one of our groups on Wednesday." I texted another Pastor from an old church we used to attend and his response was "we will pray for you!" Literally seems like no one cares.

If you all know of anything. Anything at all. Please let me know.

*I must note that I am absolutely not considering taking my life nor would I ever. I have a daughter to support and she is the reason I continue to go everyday. I will say, however, I am so very weary and I am almost completely out of strength. I continue to rely on Christ for my strength and pray daily for wisdom to see what he's trying to show me as well as for his mercy through this time.

Thank you all for reading. I have no one aside from my daughter, and I obviously cannot discuss this stuff with a child. So even a comforting word or message is appreciated. Or if perhaps you've been in a similar situation or story, I'd love to hear from you.

Edit: Thank you to the mods for pinning this, it means a lot.

Edit 2: Thank you all for your prayers, comments, and suggestions. It sincerely means so much to me. I have had no one to talk to about these things so it truly means a lot to me. Thank you so much. Really nice to know that there are so many here who believe in God, too, and encourage that. Never knew I had a family here. Truly a special community here - thank you.

Edit 3: I'm getting mixed messages. Do you guys think I should be filing for the divorce? or just continue to hold out and wait until she files? keep in mind this has been going on for over a year now.

EDIT 4 AND UPDATES: Some people said I should snoop. She left the house today and left her phone. Pretty bizarre that she did that. Where'd she go? Who knows. I didn't ask. (She was gone about two hours - honestly - I don't care and asking just shows clingyness.) I actually feel like she did this as a test to see if I'd go on her phone. She left it sitting right on the kitchen table. I tapped it once - several notifications. But i didn't unlock the phone. Instead, I went and grabbed her computer. Messages are not linked up. Weird. But photos are. What did I find? Well, to elaborate on something ya'll dont know, er ex-husband passed away several years ago (4+ years ago now). I was there for her during this. It was really hard on her and, to be honest, it really hard on me, but in a different way. Not trying to sound narcissistic, but it's weird and difficult to watch your spouse of over a decade mourn the loss of her ex and have to comfort her over that. I did my best and went through it with love. (She spent nearly a few months crying - every day was just straight miserable). Well, lo and behold, I see all these saved photos to her phone. Like each and every one saved every few weeks. All photos of him, photos of him and her together, variety of things that were all screengrabs from Facebook. Odd because we share a facebook account and I don't see that in the Facebook history log - guess she deleted it. So this is weird. Maybe she's still in some kind of weird denial that she shouldn't have married me, should have stayed with him? I dont know. Note: I am not a 'homewrecker' - they were divorced for two years before we met. I've taken a lot of time to reflect. Here's what I've figured out. -Time to man up -Bought several books on masculinity -Bought some dumbbells for the house -Signed up for a gym membership -Read some articles and watch some videos on posture - going to start carrying myself without a slouch. Time to present myself as a man and not be whiney about all this. We'll see what happens.