I dont even know what to say but... I need them prayers. I need strength I need endurance i need remembering what happy actually is
im in a dead end job and my phone fell in water tonight at that bs job - i cant even afford to replace it with a weeks paycheck thats how shitty this job is. So...
im really kinda at wits end
and thats without ... all of this
all the thinking of how close to the edge of the cliff we are with all the trump/q stuff. Im just at wits end and trying to keep myself a good hamster on the wheel for my own survival but ugh im so close to just saying screw it n giving up. Im tired to watching this movie, im tired of the shit life always throws at me, im just tired. i dont care anymore right now call it a blackpill but i really wiish i could doze off tonight and thats a wrap for my story because..... i dont have it left in me to wait for whatever fireworks we've been promised at the end. i just dont care. pedos are still out there ruining countless kids lives, politics is still corrupt as can be, good people still rot in jail while evil people dont. im just fucking done so i really need a prayer cause I aint tryna leave yet but its tempting
honestly the phone was just the final straw but in my struggle to survive (and want to) i have turned back to drinking and that will absolutely kill me if i continue so...
right now i feel like i been considering rehab (i did AA + started going to church when i was in legal trouble and i shined. a year sober, got baptized, everything. but once the legal crap went away i relapsed fast)
like i almost took the leap a few weeks ago and said fuck this job i need rehab and to detox and to start over - but, then i swallowed that and went back to work the next day. im worse off today - so, whats stopping me?
sometimes you need need a breaking point
and ironically not having a phone in there is probably the best thing for me
I have read that drugs and alcohol are not social problems, but spiritual problems. Perhaps spending more time with your Lord & Savior would help put things into perspective. I understand the frustrations of waiting for things to get better in our world. But God's time is not our time. Our time spent praying for those who are suffering (ie. the children) and praying for conversion of sinners is not wasted. I pray that you know God's love and closeness to you in your suffering.