About a year ago the Lord finally broke me down to the point that I surrendered my childhood rape to Him. I was 6 years-old at the time my friends' dad raped all three of us. Due to some unfortunate circumstances I was then blackmailed for 4 years by my older brother. He threatened to tell our parents I was "gay" if I didn't do what he asked. I was raped at 6 and silenced, became a Believer at 7, and was then blackmailed with fear into silence again until I was 11 years old.

I was free of the blackmail at 11 but significant damage had been done. My was traumatized and fearful of intimacy and relationships yet I desperately desired someone to love me and tell me everything was alright.

6 years later I fell ill. Again my body was not my own as I was hospitalized, poked, prodded, and otherwise humiliated by the medical establishment. I had the worst of the worst of the disease I have. Finally learned it's name after the group who writes the textbook on it diagnosed me, Crohn's disease.

The disease ravaged my life and could not be stopped. The disease sought to isolate me and create a hopelessness that would consume me. I continued to choose Jesus instead.

I was in the process of becoming a clinical psychologist when my fiance cheated on me and left me, moving out without ever saying a word to me until a year later when she admitted to cheating.

I met my second fiance after my masters program. Moved to Chicago to finish my doctorate and she eventually came too. The Crohn's only got worse.

I had to pause my education again because I was dying from the disease and its treatment. Surgery eventually came and I only got worse. We were riding the elevator up to our apartment one evening after I had gotten out of the hospital when she said to me, "I never signed up for this."

Neither did I.

Life collapses again around me as another woman who said she wanted to spend her life with me left.

2012 and I was still in Chicago finishing up my education when God woke me up that February. The Holy Spirit grabbed me for 3 days straight and taught me so much.

What God did after this awakening is miraculous. Literal miracles again and again. Angles, demons, spiritual warfare. Souls being saved. Lives being transformed. Experiences with the LORD that surpass all understanding.

In 2014 a 7 year old prayer was answered and I met Claire, my wife.

When I was attacked, tortured, and kicked out of a 17ft. high window head first for the Gospel, a crack formed. Claire sent me away to heal and I saw something that a prior person had already done to me. I was scared....and Satan began bearing down on me about the childhood rape.

I had intended to die without ever admitting the rape to even myself. I thought I could be the man God wanted me to be without dealing with the rape and I was wrong.

Satan told me I was unlovable, gross, disgusting, trash, filth, a sinner, that everyone would abandon me if i was ever to tell. He told me I would lose everything if i ever told anyone I was raped. I believed him for 34 years and during the last few years I struggled to be the man God wanted me to be, the husband and father He wanted me to be. I wanted certain sins gone from my life and the LORD kept reminding me of the rape. I kept that at arms length and told God i would deal with the rape if He would deal with the sexual brokenness and pain and negative coping I was a slave to.

I finally was broke down enough to admit the rape at the foot of the cross. Jesus then had me tell a friend and then my wife and house church leaders.

I came home from breakfast 2 weeks later and my wife and children were gone. I was served with an order of protection while I was at Men's Bible study 4 days later. My wife has never spoken to me. I lost access to my children, my home, vehicles, all my possessions, my land, etc. Obviously she is divorcing me.

BUT......let me tell you how GOOD God is. Let me tell you who God is, what He has done for me and how much He loves all of us.

This is His story......

When I got laid off this past January God went in for the kill. There it was, inside of me for quite a while, and He wanted it back. My most treasured possession, my testimony. What He has done in my life, our lives, and what He is doing today. He wanted the stories back and I was obedient (even though I was hesitant). Over the course of January and a few days in February the Holy Spirit produced over 220 pages of a book.

He wanted me to share my testimony, my most treasured possession, and I was unwilling. I desired His will but what He was asking me to do seemed too much, TOO big. Since the book's creation until this week the Holy Spirit has been working on me to transform me into the image of the Son. He has been shaping my will to be more in line with His will. He has been shaping the way I see myself to be more in line with how He sees me. He has been dealing with me.

On Tuesday morning this week as I drove to work the Holy Spirit asked me, "Ready to start?"

I said "Yes."

8 hours later I received a call from a customer asking me to come "preach" at their church this Sunday. I will not "preach" per se, but I will carry what it is the LORD has asked me to carry, which is the story of my testimony. He wants me to quit hiding and He wants people to know what He has done in my life. He wants people to know it's OK, that He has this all and that He loves us all more than we could ever know.

It's starting.

In regards to the book He has told me, "the book you write is stranger than fiction."

He said recently, "Lets tell the world all that we have done."

I am ready. I want and desire whatever it is He wants and desires for me.

I am asking for prayers today brothers and sisters. God is doing this and while I was willing to go to my grave with my testimony as well, He desires something different.

I KNOW the freedom that has come from giving Him control of the other thing I was willing to go to the grave with, my rape. I can only IMAGINE the level of change that will come by giving Him control of this book and testimony.....control of my life completely.

I am traveling a short distance tomorrow to go before a local body of Believers that have desired to hear something they know not what it is. They are going to be the first group of people to be blessed by the Lord as it pertains to this all. The first of many I imagine. Pray that God keeps me close to Him and that I will surrender my life to Him. I seek obedience to the Lord's will and that I might trust Him with everything in my life. My wife, children, future, ministry, family, friends, job, etc. I want Him to have ownership over it all. I am only here at this point because of the prayer of so many people......I pray that you all can help sustain me with continued prayer.