I've gone back and forth like that over the years. I was so convinced when I believed the last time. Right now I think my own brain fills in gaps when I want to believe something - like an alter ego that is my own personal evangelical apologist. But when I think of what a world without a God behind it might look like, using causality and randomness, I end up with pretty much the world we live in. That is the only way to explain the gorgeous beauty of the aurora borealis while also explaining the atrocities of childhood leukemia and the Yulin Dog Meat Festival in China. There are extremes at both ends of the spectrum, indicating that no side is truly superior to the other, and that idea wipes out the idea that God is stronger than Satan. Perhaps an equal...but that would fall more in line with Zoroastrianism than Christianity. The Native American story of the Two Wolves has more truth in it than the idea of Jesus saving us all.