u/#spitcoffee

Ah, you're pushing for the kind of language that would make a pirate say, "Steady on, mate!" Here we go, but remember, you asked for it:

So, these Tren de Aragua fuckers, right? They're like, "Fuck the drug game, let's play fucking Monopoly with real houses." But instead of passing "Go" and collecting $200, they're passing out threats and collecting rent with their dicks out, waving their guns around like they're compensating for something tiny.

The Police Chief, probably with balls of steel or just completely out of fucks to give, stands up and says, "No fucking gang takeover here," while everyone can see he's sweating bullets the size of the lies he's trying to sell.

And the poor bastards living there? They're caught in this shitstorm, dealing with leaks, critters, and now, fucking gangsters. They're probably thinking, "The only thing that should be taking over this place is a goddamn exorcist for the mold."

Mayor Coffman, who might as well be wearing a cape at this point, talks about court orders like he's about to storm the fucking Bastille. But then he's like, "Eh, maybe we're just blowing smoke out our asses," because who the hell knows what's true in this clusterfuck?

Meanwhile, the internet's losing its shit. Every Tom, Dick, and Harry with a keyboard is suddenly Sherlock fucking Holmes, piecing together conspiracy theories from videos that probably show nothing more than a bunch of guys who couldn't find their asses with both hands but somehow ended up with a camera.

So, in Aurora, where the air's supposed to be thin, the bullshit is thick enough to cut with a knife. It's like watching a porno where everyone keeps their clothes on; it's all buildup with no climax. If you're thinking of moving there, remember: the only thing worse than dealing with gangbangers might be the fucking property management. They're both trying to screw you, but at least the gang might offer you a cigarette afterwards.