I am so sorry to hear that you guys couldn't work it out. FYI, my hubby and I are still nowhere close to being on the "same page." Back in 2016 - 2018, he was ANGRY that I had taken the blinders on and was adamant that I needed to put them back on. It sounds like that is where your wife is at now.
What we focused on was the concept that we are each sovereign beings allowed to have our own views separate from the other. That was tough to digest. I am not going to lie, it was tough for us both to learn to accept that the other wasn't going to change views and to side step the issues we disagreed on and focus on what we did agree on - all that took several years. But we were both committed to making our marriage work, and it sounds like your wife wasn't. It sounds like she just wanted you to put the blinders back on so that she didn't have to worry about how secure her blinders were. :(
Thanks, and believe me, I did everything I could. But in the final analysis, it will never work if I have to keep my interests and opinions private from her lest they upset her. I am happy to accept her beliefs, misguided as I might think some of them are, and happy to discuss them, but these discussions did not always go well. Sometimes, I felt like we had a lot of values in common, but she could not look past the details.
The "loss of confidence" ultimately was the problem that could not be solved. I think this is somewhat unique to the feminine psychology which requires the male to be a protector, and that requires good judgement. She saw my response to COVID (1. it's massively overblown and 2. the shots are not worth the risk) as being poor judgement, trusting my own analysis of internet sources over establishment doctrine. She did not appreciate me bringing a stack of research papers to the pediatrician appointment.
In the end, I asked what can I do to improve this relationship, and she said she didn't want to. So that was that.
I think she would have been OK with me putting the blinders on, but I was never going to do that and I made that clear.
I am glad to hear you are making progress toward a resolution. I agree 100% on sovereign beings. We have to accept the viewpoints of others, even if we don't agree. When a disagreement points to different actions, something must be done, but we can't police others thoughts. And in a marriage, to the extent we must keep our thoughts hidden from policing, that is an untenable situation.
"it will never work if I have to keep my interests and opinions private from her lest they upset her." This is a true statement. Hubby and I not talking about issues where we disagree is not the same as having to "keep them hidden from policing." And as I said, we both had to come to terms with the fact that we had no right to be upset that a sovereign person thinks differently than I do.
I also agree on your point about "loss of confidence" point. It took very little effort to talk my hubby out of getting a covid injection and I do trust his judgment to make good choices for our family. Our disagreements were more superficial in nature than yours.
But the real difference between your situation and mine is "and she said she didn't want to." My hubby and both wanted to make our marriage work and we were willing to learn to interact with each other better in order to get there.
I'll pray for you that huge silver linings come out of this sad situation.
We do not talk about the areas where we have different viewpoints. I have a network of friends to fill that need. And GAW. I really do really on the GAW family a lot.
If hubby and I had different morals or values or priorities, we probably wouldn't have been able to work through our issues. But we're on the same page in the fundamental areas. I think it's simply a matter of him not being ready to take the blinders off and wishing that I hadn't taken mine off.
I am so sorry to hear that you guys couldn't work it out. FYI, my hubby and I are still nowhere close to being on the "same page." Back in 2016 - 2018, he was ANGRY that I had taken the blinders on and was adamant that I needed to put them back on. It sounds like that is where your wife is at now.
What we focused on was the concept that we are each sovereign beings allowed to have our own views separate from the other. That was tough to digest. I am not going to lie, it was tough for us both to learn to accept that the other wasn't going to change views and to side step the issues we disagreed on and focus on what we did agree on - all that took several years. But we were both committed to making our marriage work, and it sounds like your wife wasn't. It sounds like she just wanted you to put the blinders back on so that she didn't have to worry about how secure her blinders were. :(
Thanks, and believe me, I did everything I could. But in the final analysis, it will never work if I have to keep my interests and opinions private from her lest they upset her. I am happy to accept her beliefs, misguided as I might think some of them are, and happy to discuss them, but these discussions did not always go well. Sometimes, I felt like we had a lot of values in common, but she could not look past the details.
The "loss of confidence" ultimately was the problem that could not be solved. I think this is somewhat unique to the feminine psychology which requires the male to be a protector, and that requires good judgement. She saw my response to COVID (1. it's massively overblown and 2. the shots are not worth the risk) as being poor judgement, trusting my own analysis of internet sources over establishment doctrine. She did not appreciate me bringing a stack of research papers to the pediatrician appointment.
In the end, I asked what can I do to improve this relationship, and she said she didn't want to. So that was that.
I think she would have been OK with me putting the blinders on, but I was never going to do that and I made that clear.
I am glad to hear you are making progress toward a resolution. I agree 100% on sovereign beings. We have to accept the viewpoints of others, even if we don't agree. When a disagreement points to different actions, something must be done, but we can't police others thoughts. And in a marriage, to the extent we must keep our thoughts hidden from policing, that is an untenable situation.
"it will never work if I have to keep my interests and opinions private from her lest they upset her." This is a true statement. Hubby and I not talking about issues where we disagree is not the same as having to "keep them hidden from policing." And as I said, we both had to come to terms with the fact that we had no right to be upset that a sovereign person thinks differently than I do.
I also agree on your point about "loss of confidence" point. It took very little effort to talk my hubby out of getting a covid injection and I do trust his judgment to make good choices for our family. Our disagreements were more superficial in nature than yours.
But the real difference between your situation and mine is "and she said she didn't want to." My hubby and both wanted to make our marriage work and we were willing to learn to interact with each other better in order to get there.
I'll pray for you that huge silver linings come out of this sad situation.
Good perspective. Where are you now with that? Or is it just an "area" you don't talk about?
I couldn't exist if I couldn't talk about some serious things with my partner.
We do not talk about the areas where we have different viewpoints. I have a network of friends to fill that need. And GAW. I really do really on the GAW family a lot.
If hubby and I had different morals or values or priorities, we probably wouldn't have been able to work through our issues. But we're on the same page in the fundamental areas. I think it's simply a matter of him not being ready to take the blinders off and wishing that I hadn't taken mine off.