I honestly thought I'd be told sayanora, don't let the door hit you, etc. The responses were the exact opposite. My Frens compassion were off scale!!! (Except just one callous inquiry) Humbling x 10¹⁰. Thank you so much. Not gonna purge...too late anyway. I aint scared of doxing. Thry can kill the body, but not the soul. Fought all my life like a cornered dog. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU
Blabbed too much. Let my emotions get in the way. Now several people know. As an emotionally charged individual, this cranks my anxiety(s). Thought I had them under control...must've gotten cocky.
...gotta purge...here goes...
For those who care...I had a Drs appt today for a steroid shot in my elbow...masks required! I have 2 exemptions and they do honor them, yet I was the only one unmasked, whish is usually a time of glee for me. Probably 20 people in the common area...i felt as if a spotlight was on me.
Medical atmosphere anywhere is sheer hell for me...spent my entire life in it. Treated me horribly at the end...betrayed me egregiously...my friends , I thought. All due to retina disease...zero empathy...Get Lost! was their credo.
People stared, made comments under their breath. It exacerbated my cPTSD like gasoline on a fire. First time in months. cPTSD has as a component, feelings of worthlessness, etc and a dissociation from what's really going on, so to speak.
Outwardly it seems unfathomable that this could be me...inside it's chaos.
I shook, trembled and couldn't breath in the waiting room. I had to do deep breathing, pinch myself HARD on the legs to displace the pain. Made it back to the scales and couldn't lift my legs. Vision wobbled. World swirled. Made it to exam room. Had to ask my nurse to please be compassionate, as she is an automaton with RBF (resting bitch face). Said i could tell her why i was upset if i wanted to. I did. she about crapped at the seemingly endless list of traumas and actually became human.
FFW to ckout...kinda lost it at the window, but i made it.
then i couldn't find my way out of just a long hall with only one rt turn to the door. ererything looked the same and different at the same time...disoriented. Brain firing more than it usually does, which is way too fast. I couldn>t even reach for the doorknob, began sobbing and hyperventilating and shedding tears and collapsed against the wall. I did not hit the floor and go fetal which is what I wanted to do. Fight or flight...or collapse. Nurses surrounded me, not mine, and attempted to console me...kinda told them why my brain hurts...they petted and reassured me. All of this within maybe 45 secs...seemed as an eternity.
My nurse then came to the rescue WITH COMPASSION! 1st time in 12 years! She grabbed me gently and said that it was ok and she"d walk me out to my vehicle...even removed her mask!
I had prayed all night, all morning and on the way to the appt...my wife usually goes with me. I need her calm love. I was alone. I failed.
made it home by 130 in a sea of tears, took a xanax, which i rarely do in the daytime, slept an hour. Now headache from Hades, guilt, embarassment and a feeling that I let God down. Guess I got too overconfident.
My ego wants to hear.."oh, poor thing", etc., replies, but I won't allow myself to go there.
I'm signing off, but will rejoin with perhaps a less offensive moniker at some time.
Know frens, that I cherish our commeraderie and covet your prayers. You are all damn good Americans. I shall not give in nor give up. I will learn from this.
rock AND roll
**If I purge my acct now, y'all won't be able to read this. I've shown my angel wife (31 yrs on 9/1!) how to do it tomorrow a.m.
Dammit.
..she's had intractable nausea x 3 days which is impeding her recovery.
She's all i have left and she and i have persevered thru many family tragedies. Bad ones.
It crushes my heart to see her like this...she wants to get back to teaching advanced Russian technique piano! (Other teachers and even college professors call and ask her questions!!)
God has her in His palm.
Just need prayers, frens.
Thank you.
Wondering if Plan B pills will be affected by this ruling, as it prevents a FERTILIZED egg from uterine implantation and maturation...
I had an entire long exposé typed last night, espousing God's grace to me and I fell asleep and deleted my testimony. Doh
I've been healed from 45 yrs of PTSD! It's not PTSD...it's cPTSD. PTSD never encompassed ME. cPTSD is as if I wrote the whole signs/symptoms/sequelae myself. I not crazy. Wow. Not paranoid anymore. I've always thought everyone hated me...they dont!! I can look in a mirror again!!! (And I'm extremely handsome! 😂😂😂) I have my family back. A happy house!!!
"Complex" from lifelong trauma beginning as a child. Had no defenses in place... only trust and dependance and they were quashed. Betrayal is alln i6ve ever known...but MAN betrayed me. Not God. He held me and cried as I endured. I was never alone.
I like me now.
I can leave the porch.
I can go to stores.
ALL of my chronic pain is gone!!
No spontaneous weeping or anxiety.
The list is too lengthy.
I rarely pray for me anymore. I spend my time in PRAISE for victories, grace, patience, love and all this God has bestowed upon me...even thru the hell. Thank Him for ALLOWING you to suffer...it's the least we can do. I just pray that my feet are placed where He wants them.
Never give up! 45 yrs I waited. It was worth it all.
The last 20 yrs have been a living hell, throughout which I acted ok and just persevered in pain. I'm free.
(A special THANK YOU to Ashlanddog...he was the 1st cog in God's healing process for me. One never knows how our words are used for good for the will of God)
LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL, FRENS!!!
Sorry if I've been a butthole at times. Really. j
"When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world."
John 16:21
