Blabbed too much. Let my emotions get in the way. Now several people know. As an emotionally charged individual, this cranks my anxiety(s). Thought I had them under control...must've gotten cocky.
...gotta purge...here goes...
For those who care...I had a Drs appt today for a steroid shot in my elbow...masks required! I have 2 exemptions and they do honor them, yet I was the only one unmasked, whish is usually a time of glee for me. Probably 20 people in the common area...i felt as if a spotlight was on me.
Medical atmosphere anywhere is sheer hell for me...spent my entire life in it. Treated me horribly at the end...betrayed me egregiously...my friends , I thought. All due to retina disease...zero empathy...Get Lost! was their credo.
People stared, made comments under their breath. It exacerbated my cPTSD like gasoline on a fire. First time in months. cPTSD has as a component, feelings of worthlessness, etc and a dissociation from what's really going on, so to speak.
Outwardly it seems unfathomable that this could be me...inside it's chaos.
I shook, trembled and couldn't breath in the waiting room. I had to do deep breathing, pinch myself HARD on the legs to displace the pain. Made it back to the scales and couldn't lift my legs. Vision wobbled. World swirled. Made it to exam room. Had to ask my nurse to please be compassionate, as she is an automaton with RBF (resting bitch face). Said i could tell her why i was upset if i wanted to. I did. she about crapped at the seemingly endless list of traumas and actually became human.
FFW to ckout...kinda lost it at the window, but i made it.
then i couldn't find my way out of just a long hall with only one rt turn to the door. ererything looked the same and different at the same time...disoriented. Brain firing more than it usually does, which is way too fast. I couldn>t even reach for the doorknob, began sobbing and hyperventilating and shedding tears and collapsed against the wall. I did not hit the floor and go fetal which is what I wanted to do. Fight or flight...or collapse. Nurses surrounded me, not mine, and attempted to console me...kinda told them why my brain hurts...they petted and reassured me. All of this within maybe 45 secs...seemed as an eternity.
My nurse then came to the rescue WITH COMPASSION! 1st time in 12 years! She grabbed me gently and said that it was ok and she"d walk me out to my vehicle...even removed her mask!
I had prayed all night, all morning and on the way to the appt...my wife usually goes with me. I need her calm love. I was alone. I failed.
made it home by 130 in a sea of tears, took a xanax, which i rarely do in the daytime, slept an hour. Now headache from Hades, guilt, embarassment and a feeling that I let God down. Guess I got too overconfident.
My ego wants to hear.."oh, poor thing", etc., replies, but I won't allow myself to go there.
I'm signing off, but will rejoin with perhaps a less offensive moniker at some time.
Know frens, that I cherish our commeraderie and covet your prayers. You are all damn good Americans. I shall not give in nor give up. I will learn from this.
rock AND roll
**If I purge my acct now, y'all won't be able to read this. I've shown my angel wife (31 yrs on 9/1!) how to do it tomorrow a.m.
Dammit.
No shame in losing it, fren. Sounds like you've been through hell and back. Anybody who is human can relate to that, understand that, and have empathy. If you want to purge this and start over, sure, please do. But don't worry that you are being judged for having a few hours of anxiety. Sounds to me like you are very hard on yourself. Harder than others are, possibly. And none of them have walked in your shoes. Pray, pray, pray, relax, relax, relax. Do something you love to do and get lost in it. Spend all weekened soaking it up. Just take a breath, and then another and then another and relax as best you can. Then come back and hang out with the coolest people online again. Blessings. I'm glad you shared.
I so wanted to upvote, but that 17 looked too perfect to mess up.
Ah…ptsd is a terrible thing. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that.
Hang in there. (And tap on the top of your head with all your fingers for a bit. Looks dumb in public, but it works. Confuses the signals, calms the V nerve.)
Please pray connect with God he will help you.
Prayers for you.
Hang in there fren. It’s gonna be ok
I wouldn't sweat it. You've got a real situation. Nobody here will judge you. But do whatever calms you. Big hug and sending prayers. The demons are real. We're must excise them. God bless!! 🙏❤️
Prayers said for you fren. Hearts full of love & support whenever you feel up to rejoining us.
These medical people are liars. They...are...all...liars.
My wife's doctors told her flat out, the vaccines are FDA approved, safe and effective. Two physicians at Vanderbilt. Flat out liars. Disgusting people.
Happens to the best of us. BTDT. Stay strong.
Dude, you're all good! Stuff like that is better out than in. You've been making some big life changes lately too, iirc. Be kind to yourself. I'm so glad you had nurses who could help a bit and understand.
Make sure you're getting enough Iron and B12. They can affect your anxiety levels. I have personal experience with that.
Please accept a virtual hug. (((DuckButter))) wwg1wga
I'm very sorry that you had such a difficult day. Here's a thought . . you taught a lot of people about compassion and empathy today. Many people do not stop to think about the difficulties that others deal with. When they witness a meltdown as you described, they should (1) reach out with compassion and (2) be thankful that they do not suffer as you do. May God bless you and give you strength.
Bear hug from me brother! I don't know you but I feel like we're family here.
Lord, ease this man's mind and let him rest gently and free of anxiety.
I have it as well friend. I got your back.
Amen!
You are not alone. So many of us on this board have these experiences. Remember, God is with us in all things. I've had my struggles and so has my husband. I don't believe you failed God. I believe God "allows" us to go through times like this for two reasons, to learn to lean more on Him and so that once you conquer your fear, you might be able to help someone else. How can you truly show empathy and compassion if you have not walked a mile in their shoes? How will they believe you understand unless you've been there? Remember, courage is not the absence of fear. It is perseverance in spite of your fear. You took a Huge step by going without your wife. You had a temporary setback, but made it home. You DID conquer one goal. We must All learn to crawl before we can walk, much less run. I for one am Proud of you. You may have quite a few more days like this. I and my husband did. Little by little, it WILL get better. Just don't give up. Remember to count all your successes, no matter how small and insignificant they may seem, they are the confidence builders. I'll be praying for you and your wife.
Praying for peace and comfort. Sounds like you have been through a war zone, at minimum. Hope your wife and others surrounding you have empathy for your situation, we all need compassion for others, and need it extended to us. The advice of many others here is excellent, especially find something you love to do and focus on it for a time. We will be praying for you, and you will be welcome back anytime.
So interesting. Going to check it out!
Also checking out of here, Zzz's calling.
Take care, my fren.
Fren!!! Anxiety is the biggest bitch i have ever met! Sounds like u also have also gone thru things that make it even worse. You are not alone and obviously have a cool wife. Chill w her and take care of yourself! Sorry this happened.
Sorry to hear of your struggle with cPTSD.. Take a breather and get out into nature, even just your local parklands, and recharge. Make sure you let us know how you are going .. and come back to us when you are ready.
Having a meltdown moment or panic attack is terrifying at the time, but nothing to be ashamed of! Give it a week or so then reflect on the situation with less critical eyes (you absolutely aren't to blame, once that panic kicks in like that, sadly you are just along for the rodeo ride); You may find that there are things you may be able to do different in future to lessen the chance that it happens like that again
Hey Duck, only found this now, based on your followup post.
Wow. Thank you for having the courage to share. My heart goes out to you.
Particularly this part:
I know the feeling. But I also know, it's not how He sees it at all. But if we've been wounded and had trauma particularly when young, it can be hard to work out and work through such feelings.
Sounds to me like you got the answer to your prayer. When you've been carrying stuff so long, so 'valiantly', sometimes God needs to push you to the place where you'll just give in and let it come out.
I know this, being a survivor of "I have to carry everything for everyone else because if I don't, they suffer" mentality most of my life.
Anyway, I sure hope you stick around. I surely do.
By the way: "You are all damn good Americans" Just know, fren, that you have many international frens here too, who are no less your brothers and sisters because we live in a different country.
WWG1WGA doesn't end at the US border, dear friend.
Be well. And a blessing on your Independence Day.
Thank you. Beautiful words.
May God help you through these difficult times. We will all need help from time to time, its nothing to be ashamed of. Noone is perfect, we all have flaws. You sound like a very nice person, you are here, we know you are a patriot.
Magnesium deficiency can cause anxiety disorders. Normal mag levels can help promote feelings of calmness. Magnesium is not well absorbed via the gastrointestinal tract. Taking mag supplements can be a waste of time and money. The best way to raise mag levels is to take warm Epsom salt baths. Magnesium is absorbed through the skin more efficiently than taking a supplement. Give it a try, nothing to lose. God bless you.
Fren, no need to purge your account. We are with you. No judging here. We all have our problems, our ups and downs, our good days and bad days, our hopes and fears. That's life, fren. Don't look at this as a personal failure. Look at it as, I made it through a rough spot and I'm still here to fight another day. You did not let God down. He is there to help you, just take His hand and He will lead you.
We've got your back and will pray for you, fren. WWG1WGA!
"Please be compassionate" "began sobbing and hyperventilating and shedding tears and collapsed against the wall" "my wife usually goes with me. I need her calm love. I was alone. I failed."
Why are you so fucked up?
What movie are you replaying in your head creating your own hell on earth stuck in purgatory?
Did you shoot people in the head over seas or something? How many dead bodies? Serious question.
Really, man?? Be quiet if you cant be nice. Sad for your thought patterns and insensitivity.
Therefore, for you, it's nunya.
People wouldn't post a shit day they had unless they wanted to hear an unfiltered opinion from a stranger who doesn't have any skin in the game.
My questions are legitimate. Why is this dude so fucked up. He's using his wife like a blankly. If stares from strangers who are nothing but NPC's in his meta verse reality send him into a hyperventilating fit the question is what happened?
I'm genuinely curious. It's not fucked up ask what the fuck happened to you??? What did they do to you to get to that point? I mean sliding down a wall in pure emotional pain is coming from some where else not the masking in the waiting room.
One of the reasons why many of us don't really get better is because all our loved ones and friends become enablers blowing smoke up our ass. It's rare to find someone who tells you the truth.
Sometimes the truth is what we really need.
May God have mercy on yours too Duck Buttler. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPp570-ijXg