Given your description of your childhood personality and nature and how you you tackled with that, I can say I feel a sort of pride. Like, yeah, I imagine God and think he's probably feels a lot of pride in you. Not letting anyone push you around. It's awesome.
I do appreciate your comments about not being fake with regards to how one builds their relationship with Jesus. I do think I've received a lot of natural protection over the course of my life. For whatever reason, God did not put me in harms way from the nutjobs, the psychopaths, and the demonically possessed. I mean, I pick up on that sort of presence very, very quickly, and I do not interact with it, or such people. And, I've never felt drawn to.
"so I can't grieve or cry or open my heart when it just isn't in me to do it." Yeah, that's cool. I mean, we're all different. Although, I have such a rather strong prejudice with regards to Jesus, due to my experiences and living relationship with him, that I tend to forget that. And, I suppose its really true, that's an impression of Jesus that was shaped by my early experiences and nature.
Actually, my dad was very narcissistic in a lot of ways, but also very sensitive and compassionate. Interesting man, he grew up in in country where the Nazis rolled in when he was 8 years of age, and lived under their regime for about 5 years. Near starvation, massive trauma in his childhood, but he was never able to even recognize it. A large part of his heart was locked away from me, and from himself. Really a beautiful man, but a man who was buried under unrecognized inner pain. So, lol, he could be intensely and extremely intolerant of others, and yet he thought he was the most tolerant person!
As an adult, I underwent a 12 year journey in my relationship with him to find out who he was, what the nature of our relationship really was, and ended up really loving the guy.
My mum, likewise, tragic childhood. Abused by a relative as a young child with her twin sister, he mum passed away when my mum was 11, and her dad when she was 16. All locked up, unable to express many locked down emotions.
Terrier, huh. That's cool. Because we need some of that. yeah, we certainly do.
I personally think that some children will not be able to forgive their parents, but I also think that many will be able to, too. They'll recognize it. That's all I'm saying. I guess I tend to focus on certain people and certain behaviors, and I guess you do too. Just kinda different in focus. Which, really, is a very good thing. Cos God teaches us and helps us to grow through others, if we are open to Him.
I still find it a bit hard to relate to your disgust, because perhaps, yeah, I really do NOT focus on or give my attention to the shitbags who do really shitty stuff. To be honest, over a lifetime, I've learned that I cannot afford to. Because It WOULD grieve me too much, and I'd be useless. There are mountains of things out that happening that I will not allow myself to think about, because frankly, its too real. I don't need to see it to know its happening. So I give my energy and attention where I feel God directs me too. But thank God also for pedes like yourself. As long as we put Him first, then there's no real problem. He'll use you and he'll use me in the best ways possible, as long as we offer it all to him.
"But basically if I say "God forgive you because I don't think I can", well... that's the truth. I can TRY to forgive, and I can pray for that to come over me. And anyway it's not my place to forgive them anyway. But these vax-parents need forgiveness from Jesus, because they won't get it from society, and may not even get it from their own kids."
I don't quite see it that way, but I can relate to what you say, and I respect it. If you can't, you can't. Not because you're not a good person, but because you ARE a good person. Personally, I think God forces himself to forgive sometimes because he needs to, not because he wants to. I feel like I've learned so much about where you are coming from, and it inspires me to honor God more. I mean, I glorify God because I get such a much better sense of where you're at and where you're coming from. And, it's good.
"I knew I liked you. Haha!" hahaha. Yeah, likewise. (I believe I pointeds that out while ranting in my first comment!)
"I get like Paul Atraides in the Gom Jabbar." Hmmm. Yeah, that rings all sorts of bells. Letting emotions just roll over me is kind of my speciality. That is, not denying them, not negating them, but letting them come in, throw me around, but holding my center all the while. Have become really good at it - in some areas. Which is why discovering my anger consciously was a real biggy. I was experiencing it all the time, but completely unable to see it!
"I KNOW I stuff it down" Hmmm. (if any of what follows is unwelcome, please just shove it out the door!) Yeah, that's your mum coming through. If my energetic senses are correct (and they usually are - I don't really need time and space for this stuff, it just comes) this was your mum's stuff. She cannot get angry because there was very likely someone with real anger issues who did a lot of damage or who was very damaged, or someone who really experenced overwhelming tragic sorrow. Might be a parent of her's or a relative, or someone further back. It all comes down the line.
Anyway, unlocking this stuff can really help you move forward. Just make sure to do it with prayer and offering, and hold onto the Rock! But I mentioned that book in the last comment for this reason. Maybe the reason we interfracted here was to share that little nugget.
If you're interested, I recommend getting the book and taking a peek. It's transformative for me (and I'm still in that process). The things we inherit from our lineage .....
"But if I get sad about something really REAL, I might not ever get back up (an exaggeration, but it sums up the root feeling)."
Hah! Look who's good at articulating themselves!!! Look, well said. But If I'm reading all the points properly, all this indicates to me that you're carrying someone else's load. And a) that's not a bad thing, because it helps to make you who you are and b) when you resolve this or liberate this, those who carried or still carry the load can experience liberation through (you).
The point is, not to deny the load (that would only stifle) but to understand where it originally comes from, and WHO, and then to release back into the wild.
OK. I'm probably totally over-stepping the bounds of privacy and social decorum, so just put all of this aside if it feels inappropriate. But healing is really a big part of what I've been called to do (by God), so I'm kind of compulsive about that sort of thing. (Another trait I need to get balance on.)
Either way, uber-joyful to read your replies. Yay!
Given your description of your childhood personality and nature and how you you tackled with that, I can say I feel a sort of pride. Like, yeah, I imagine God and think he's probably feels a lot of pride in you. Not letting anyone push you around. It's awesome.
I do appreciate your comments about not being fake with regards to how one builds their relationship with Jesus. I do think I've received a lot of natural protection over the course of my life. For whatever reason, God did not put me in harms way from the nutjobs, the psychopaths, and the demonically possessed. I mean, I pick up on that sort of presence very, very quickly, and I do not interact with it, or such people. And, I've never felt drawn to.
"so I can't grieve or cry or open my heart when it just isn't in me to do it." Yeah, that's cool. I mean, we're all different. Although, I have such a rather strong prejudice with regards to Jesus, due to my experiences and living relationship with him, that I tend to forget that. And, I suppose its really true, that's an impression of Jesus that was shaped by my early experiences and nature.
Actually, my dad was very narcissistic in a lot of ways, but also very sensitive and compassionate. Interesting man, he grew up in in country where the Nazis rolled in when he was 8 years of age, and lived under their regime for about 5 years. Near starvation, massive trauma in his childhood, but he was never able to even recognize it. A large part of his heart was locked away from me, and from himself. Really a beautiful man, but a man who was buried under unrecognized inner pain. So, lol, he could be intensely and extremely intolerant of others, and yet he thought he was the most tolerant person!
As an adult, I underwent a 12 year journey in my relationship with him to find out who he was, what the nature of our relationship really was, and ended up really loving the guy.
My mum, likewise, tragic childhood. Abused by a relative as a young child with her twin sister, he mum passed away when my mum was 11, and her dad when she was 16. All locked up, unable to express many locked down emotions.
Terrier, huh. That's cool. Because we need some of that. yeah, we certainly do.
I personally think that some children will not be able to forgive their parents, but I also think that many will be able to, too. They'll recognize it. That's all I'm saying. I guess I tend to focus on certain people and certain behaviors, and I guess you do too. Just kinda different in focus. Which, really, is a very good thing. Cos God teaches us and helps us to grow through others, if we are open to Him.
I still find it a bit hard to relate to your disgust, because perhaps, yeah, I really do NOT focus on or give my attention to the shitbags who do really shitty stuff. To be honest, over a lifetime, I've learned that I cannot afford to. Because It WOULD grieve me too much, and I'd be useless. There are mountains of things out that happening that I will not allow myself to think about, because frankly, its too real. I don't need to see it to know its happening. So I give my energy and attention where I feel God directs me too. But thank God also for pedes like yourself. As long as we put Him first, then there's no real problem. He'll use you and he'll use me in the best ways possible, as long as we offer it all to him.
"But basically if I say "God forgive you because I don't think I can", well... that's the truth. I can TRY to forgive, and I can pray for that to come over me. And anyway it's not my place to forgive them anyway. But these vax-parents need forgiveness from Jesus, because they won't get it from society, and may not even get it from their own kids."
I don't quite see it that way, but I can relate to what you say, and I respect it. If you can't, you can't. Not because you're not a good person, but because you ARE a good person. Personally, I think God forces himself to forgive sometimes because he needs to, not because he wants to. I feel like I've learned so much about where you are coming from, and it inspires me to honor God more. I mean, I glorify God because I get such a much better sense of where you're at and where you're coming from. And, it's good.
"I knew I liked you. Haha!" hahaha. Yeah, likewise. (I believe I pointeds that out while ranting in my first comment!)
"I get like Paul Atraides in the Gom Jabbar." Hmmm. Yeah, that rings all sorts of bells. Letting emotions just roll over me is kind of my speciality. That is, not denying them, not negating them, but letting them come in, throw me around, but holding my center all the while. Have become really good at it - in some areas. Which is why discovering my anger consciously was a real biggy. I was experiencing it all the time, but completely unable to see it!
"I KNOW I stuff it down" Hmmm. (if any of what follows is unwelcome, please just shove it out the door!) Yeah, that's your mum coming through. If my energetic senses are correct (and they usually are - I don't really need time and space for this stuff, it just comes) this was your mum's stuff. She cannot get angry because there was very likely someone with real anger issues who did a lot of damage or who was very damaged, or someone who really experenced overwhelming tragic sorrow. Might be a parent of her's or a relative, or someone further back. It all comes down the line.
Anyway, unlocking this stuff can really help you move forward. Just make sure to do it with prayer and offering, and hold onto the Rock! But I mentioned that book in the last comment for this reason. Maybe the reason we interfracted here was to share that little nugget.
If you're interested, I recommend getting the book and taking a peek. It's transformative for me (and I'm still in that process). The things we inherit from our lineage .....
"But if I get sad about something really REAL, I might not ever get back up (an exaggeration, but it sums up the root feeling)."
Hah! Look who's good at articulating themselves!!! Look, well said. But If I'm reading all the points properly, all this indicates to me that you're carrying someone else's load. And a) that's not a bad thing, because it helps to make you who you are and b) when you resolve this or liberate this, those who carried or still carry the load can experience liberation through (you).
The point is, not to deny the load (that would only stifle) but to understand where it originally comes from, and WHO, and then to release back into the wild.
OK. I'm probably totally over-stepping the bounds of privacy and social decorum, so just put all of this aside if it feels inappropriate. But healing is really a big part of what I've been called to do (by God), so I'm kind of compulsive about that sort of thing. (Another trait I need to get balance on.)
Either way, uber-joyful to read your replies. Yay!